Thursday, May 29, 2014

His Growing Anger

Yesterday with Thomas was a bit of a rough day as mother and son. He was in a rotten mood about having to go to work and he was taking it out on me which only made me madder than I already was at him. I really don't understand what's going on with him and for the life of me I can't figure out what is fueling his over the top level of anger about working. I have dreamed up all sorts of scenarios from, "is he being made fun of at work?" or "did he get reprimanded for being so unreliable?" to "is it just that he'd rather be on his computer all of his waking hours instead of working?" I don't really know because when I talk to him he is sullen and always comes back with, "I hate work." and then he sits in brooding silence until I boot him out of the car at the door to his work.

Yesterday, though, kind of scared me a little. He was so angry and I was afraid of what he might do or say at work. I tried to gently tell him that it was fine to not want to go to work but that he should try not to let his bad mood rub off on the customers or fellow employees. He said "ok" but he was still seething. What scares me is that the anger I was seeing yesterday was the same anger I saw when I was trying to get him hospitalized the second time. He had zero respect for anyone, including authority, and he was yelling at everyone saying he didn't belong there. This, in my fear, was what I was envisioning was going to go down at work last night. I thought that if the source of his anger came from someone at work then I could see that in that state of mind he might say something...or yell something completely out of line and disrespectful. This is the last thing I want to happen because I think an altercation that he's involved in could elicit the calling of police and a trip downtown in a police car. Now, bear in mind, this has never happened but I couldn't stop my brain from going there. He has it in him to be a pain so my thinking that he might take it out on his boss or co-workers isn't such a far-fetched thought.

I spent my evening while he was at work praying that he'd stay for his whole shift and that things would go okay for him and he'd cool down. I even thought that all of his anger might be for my benefit because perhaps he sees me as the person who is making him go to work. I usually catch the brunt of his bad moods while everyone else walks away unscathed so this time may not be any different than times in the past. Who knows really but all of my swirling thoughts and worries about what he was going to do at work with his anger made for a nervous evening for me.

When I went and picked him up at the end of his shift, he seemed a little better. I was almost afraid to talk to him after the car ride to work but I wanted to check in with him. I finally asked him how long in to his shift had his anger lasted and he said, "two hours." so my hope that once he got going with work, his mood would improve was shot down a little. Sure, he got through the shift but it had taken him time to cool down. I asked him where his level of anger was at that point and he said he was fine for the next 2 days since he doesn't have to work.

Terrific.

So we get to do this all again on Friday???

Great.

Super.

What is with him anyway? What is going on inside that head of his that is causing this? He has therapy today and I told him that I was going to talk to his therapist about this. He seemed okay with that but mark my words, his therapist is going to be made to understand the level of anger we are dealing with and how it's causing problems in the family system. No one is escaping his wrath and my hope is that his therapist will have some suggestions for Thomas or at the very least pull him up short and tell him to respect me--which he's done in the past, thank God.

Once again I find myself saying "I don't know what to do or think." It seems I do a lot of this lately with him. With all of the "traditional" symptoms of schizophrenia gone, what's in it's place, this angry kid, is frustrating me and I feel my patience eroding quickly. My reflex instinct is to want to get angry and institute some sort of rule or change but the part of me who understands that he has schizophrenia and that this might all be because of that, makes me keep my mouth shut. I'm not sure how much more I can put up with but I'll do what I can to keep it under wraps for as long as I can.

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