Monday, April 28, 2014

Talk to The Animals

There's a certain kind of void that appears in your life as your loved one gets well. You go from worrying all the time to this weird place akin to a sun-lit meadow in the middle of the darkened woods. All of the darkness that you walked in, that your life revolved around is now outside of your peaceful place and you can actually stop to breathe again. I find myself in that spot now incredulous that I am here. Aside from the things I saw all of Thomas' young life, the real problems, the first psychotic break, came in April 2012. He had just broken up with a long time girlfriend who he had loved deeply and his grades were dropping. It was from that point forward that life was forever changed. After the psychotic break and Thomas' therapist's now famous words about the possibility of a psychotic break happening again,

"If it happens again and you can't pull him out of it then we'll do something about it."

Really? What do you mean "if I can't pull him out of it? What happens when you "can't pull him out of it?!?!?

It was then that I began my vigil over Thomas. From that point forward he was sick and from that point forward I would not be able to rest. Within 6 months of that he was hospitalized and got his diagnosis, "acute paranoid schizophrenia." I got "the talk" from 2 doctors that broke my heart and frightened me for Thomas' future. Then, of course, from there is was just one crisis after another as he remained under medicated and under immense stress from his senior year of high school which culminated in a hospitalization. It all just never seemed to end.

Then slowly...slowly he started to get better. There were ups and downs but the move towards better health was happening. Now, here we are today. 4 medications are on board and his biggest complaint in the last week came last night when he reported his anxiety before work was a 2 out of 10.

Here we are. Almost regular human beings. It's a very strange no-man's-land kind of place to be. My life that had been built around Thomas, now, is strangely empty. I just lost my daddy and now Thomas is fine and I don't have anything to do. My life had been about caregiving both for my daddy and Thomas and now...

Nothing.

I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have no more purpose, no direction. So, here I am in my sun-lit meadow with my Snow White storybook requisite wildlife around me and all I can think to do is strike up a conversation with them. Hopefully they have an idea.

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