Thursday, April 10, 2014

Never Mind

I almost hate to have to write this because after yesterday's post and my shiny new excitement about the appointment with Dr. N. on Tuesday, what happened yesterday puts all of the success and excitement on the back burner.

Ugh. I hate this.
Here goes.

Yesterday Thomas was dealing with anxiety about work at an all time high. That's nothing new except that I felt terrible for him. He took his lorazepam and tried to calm down and it wasn't working. Then I took him to Dairy Queen to get his dinner and I could see something was off with him. You see, Dairy Queen is just across the street from the police headquarters in our town. The parking lot is filled with police cars and there are officers out in the lot. I had been talking to him about his anxiety, trying to help him calm down but when we finished with Dairy Queen we went around the block and had to pass by the police station. You should have seen him. It broke my heart. His speech became robotic, he became stiff and he was leaning so far over to my side of the car (the police station was on his side of the car) that I thought he was going to crawl into my lap! I asked him if the police station was causing him anxiety and he said that it was. Knowing that for therapy today he and his therapist were going to go for a walk and go through the police parking lot and maybe in the building and I asked him about it and he said he was VERY nervous about doing that. On Tuesday with Dr. N. he was saying that he was fine with the upcoming walk because all he could think about was the kind of ice cream he was going to get. He was distracted by that thought I realized because there we were, our experience at Dairy Queen over, and now his mind was free from fun decisions and open to the truth.

I tried to get to the bottom of what was transpiring before me so I asked him if what was going on with him was anxiety and he said it was. But he was so disturbed!!! So I asked him if he would classify what he was feeling was his well-known facet/enemy paranoia. He said it was. My heart sank. There we were having crossed from the garden variety anxiety I had such hope to fix and we were back to paranoia with all of it's unreasonableness. Needless to say I got as far away from the police station as quick as possible and took him home. Once home he talked to me a little more and he said he is still worried that he is being watched by the government and that his running commentary voice is still plaguing him.

What happened?
What the heck happened between Tuesday and now?
Where was my smiling kid?

I am defeated. I was so excited to write yesterday's post because I really thought we were done with this, or close to done for a while. Here is my concern though. He has been rapidly decreasing his clozaril and is just about off of it. What if not having that in his system is what's causing him to get worse? Since Tuesday's appointment he has dropped another 50mgs so is it possible that we've now hit the point where he is again under medicated? Not only that but even though he can't quite seem to put a finger on why he's afraid of the police, I fear that (and this comes from vast experience) that his delusions will kick in in order to explain the paranoia. This is all he needs! The police are everywhere, every day. We see them all the time. Is this going to come to a point where he begins to think that when he sees them he thinks they are there because of him?

I am broken-hearted. I had such hope. The kid that was practically in my lap in the car yesterday, however, is not a healthy, schizophrenia-free kid. Not by a long shot.

What happened?????

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