Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Long Trip Today, For What?

Today Thomas and I will be going up to see Dr. N. and my own psychiatrist for medication checks. With Thomas actually going in the opposite direction medication wise (he's coming off of Clozaril) I have to wonder why we're going up there. If you were to ask Thomas, the reason we're going is to get A & W hamburgers. LOL These burgers are his favorite and we used to have an A & W here in town but they closed and now the only place to get them is up near Dr. N.. I told him the other day that Dr. N. may move us to once a month appointments since his meds are pretty steady and the first thing out of his mouth was, "Then we would only get A & W once a month!!" LOL You can see where his motivation lies for making that long trip.

I wonder though, really, why are we going? The Latuda is pretty much doing it's job, we are decreasing his clozaril and that seems to be going seamlessly. What we seem to be left with now is a worsening anxiety and a lack of ability to control anxiety on Thomas' part. I really can't believe we are at this place finally where we are settled on a medication and it's doing a decent job. Just a month ago I was scared that he would never get better and now I see a positive change in Thomas. This all has been marked by a nearly absent need, on my part, to email Dr. N. every time Thomas has something happen. It's been a wonderful place to be in.

So, I wonder what today will bring. Will this be the beginning of appointment's spaced further apart? Will we finally accept that the medication is working? And for me, are we starting the march towards the next big episode and hospitalization? That is how it's worked every single time. Thomas has an episode, he goes into the hospital, they put him on meds that don't work, he leaves the hospital and sees a doctor and we try all kinds of different meds, then we find "the right one", then we have about 4 or 5 months of goodness, and then one day, out of nowhere, I find myself driving Thomas to the hospital in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that the Latuda is working but I've been in this hamster wheel before and because of my experiences, I have every reason to believe we will find ourselves back in the same place all over again in the next 5 months.

I have this thing which has been termed to me as "magical thinking" where I fear that what I say or think will actually make something happen and often times it does so it's been reinforced even though I know that that way of thinking is maladaptive. I'm in that spot now as I write this. What if my saying we have 5 months till the next episode will make it that that is exactly how long we have? Is that borne of experience or "magical thinking"? I don't really know for sure but in the end, all we can do is wait and see.

So, we make the long drive today, get a check up, find out what we already know, cancel two week appointments and move to month ones and then we will celebrate with a "Papa Bacon Burger" from A & W.

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