Friday, April 04, 2014

Las Vegas, Baby!!

My mom recently planned a special trip across the country but then changed her mind a couple nights ago and now she is stuck with a couple very expensive first class plane tickets. She didn't know what she was going to do with them because they were non-refundable so she needed to find a place to go to use them up. This wasn't an easy task at first but then she discovered that she could break them apart in to smaller trips that leave from our town and go places along the western U.S. You see, we don't live where you can fly first class anywhere. The planes that leave our town are little puddle jumper planes so we're kind of limited in our seating choices. However, she had a brilliant plan for herself, she would go to Las Vegas 3 or 4 times using those expensive tickets broken up into smaller ones.

She talked a lot about taking a trip in May alone but neither she nor I felt she was quite ready to go anywhere alone since my daddy has just passed. We talked about how much fun she would have when she did finally go and I found myself sitting there listening and yearning to go myself. Oh what I would give to get out of this place and go somewhere fun with my mom!! We spent a good portion of the day together yesterday and we talked about everything including how good Thomas is doing lately. We talked enough about it that it began to dawn on me that this is our time!

It's our time!

For 2 years Thomas has been sick, for 2 years my mom has dedicated her life to my daddy and both of us in those 2 years and especially in the last few months have yearned to just get out of this place and go anywhere. As we sat there and talked I began to feel the invisible yet heavy blanket of caregiving begin to lift off of me. They say that sometimes people "see the light" when they discover something new and exciting or when they see changes in their lives that they hadn't seen before. Well, let me tell you, I was seeing the light! I was seeing my freedom, I was seeing that (dare I say it???) I could actually get away somewhere and have fun and not only that but I wouldn't have to worry about Thomas. Could it be? Could I actually get away from it all?

Within seconds of the realization that I could, I told my mom, "Let's go, let's do it, let's go to Vegas!!" They're probably some of the coolest words I have spoken in a L-O-N-G time.

I did go home and I went into Thomas' room and I asked him what he thought if grandma and I went to Vegas and he were left to be alone most of the time for 4 days. At first he was supportive and then I watched as something fleetingly crossed his face. I said, "Go ahead, tell me what it is." He stumbled over his words so I said to him, "Be honest kiddo, what's up?" What followed was him asking if he could go too. I instantly felt horrible. What was I thinking? I can't leave him alone!! Then it dawned on me, he just wants to get out of here too. Poor kid. I talked to him though about what it would look like to go to Vegas with grandma and I. We would play the slots a little but most of the time would be spent wandering the hotel shops and I told him that he just wouldn't have any fun with that. He agreed but his face fell as he did. I felt bad but I realized that he was wanting to go for fun, not because he was scared to be alone with his monsters. I told him nothing was happening any time soon but that grandma and I were going to go at some point. He was fine with it, he really was, and that light I saw earlier with my mom burned white hot.

I can go somewhere. I can leave it all behind!! For once in a long time I will be able to breathe and have fun. It's an amazing feeling. I didn't realize how tied down I was until yesterday. So there it is. I can live again and you know what?

It's Vegas, Baby!!!!!

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