Saturday, March 01, 2014

Thank you

Thank you all for your kind words of support. They mean so much to me. I wanted to let you know how Thomas is doing. Breaking the news to him was so hard because we had had a talk a while back about how he felt he had missed saying goodbye to his great grandfather. They weren't really close but it was his first loss. He cried such sad tears of regret during that talk. I knew after that that ...he would feel even greater regret not having spent more time with my dad but it was so hard for him to see him declining. I wish he had the strength and life experience to know that that is OK, that it is hard for a young man to watch someone slowly decline. He is so sweet and sensitive so it was very hard for him. When I told him last night about his grandpa he was stunned. I watched as he quickly disappeared into his mind. I needed to go back to my mom's to be with her and he wanted to go with me even though I warned him it would be painful to see his grandma mourning but he bravely went anyway. We sat in my mom's living room and all of us cried, including Thomas. As heartbreaking as it was, it also gave me some peace to see him expressing emotion. I didn't want for him to hold it all inside and try to be strong.

Today he is a little better but was scheduled to work. He had a brave face on earlier and told me that he wanted to work so I let him be with that. He just came to me though and said that he didn't think he could work tonight. Thank God because I didn't want him there tonight fighting what must be insurmountable anxiety and grief so he just called his manager and he was excused from work for tonight. I am so grateful for his employer's flexibility and understanding with Thomas.

As for me, I am at a loss. My dad died instantly of a heart attack and it was a shock. He had been so loving and responsive to my affections towards him in the last few weeks and I see now that was a gift he gave me because when I would think of him dying I was afraid he would go not knowing how much I loved him or that I would lose him feeling like he didn't love me. I have peace knowing that he left this life with the love in his heart we all wished for him.

I am stunned right now and in a daze but I consider you all family and as such wanted to let you know how things were going right now. I'll be here and there over the next week or so but I will keep you up to date as much as possible with how Thomas is doing.

Thank you all again. I don't know what I would do without you.

Much love,

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