Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Everything's The Same

While I've been away wrapped in my own grief (which hit me hard a couple days ago and hasn't dissipated), I haven't been close to Thomas. It isn't like I haven't seen him but I haven't been tuned into him because I've been trying to get through a day without crying and without the last images of my daddy that I have replaying in my mind over and over. I have taken a somewhat "dangerous" point of view concerning Thomas because really, I haven't kept an eye on him.

On Sunday he worked the first of 4 shifts this week and I was over at my mom's going through my daddy's things so Thomas was left to deal with his "time anxiety" alone. My husband was around but he's not helpful with these sorts of things with Thomas so Thomas was really captaining his own ship. While at my mom's I got a text from him telling me he had his "time anxiety". I coached him to take a lorazepam if he needed it but left him to make that final decision. Then next came from him that he didn't know what to have for dinner. Once again I coached him through finding something but he was left to prepare it himself. The reasons for not being there for him during this time were twofold. One, I didn't want to leave my mom alone to deal with what she was dealing with and two, Thomas talks so much about moving out, I thought it was a good idea for him to try to do something that he would have to do if he were independent from me. As it turns out, he was able to get himself together and I came home in time to drive him to work.

Last night was night number two of work. He worked these last two nights in a row which last week, backfired. I was home this time so I helped him put together a meal. What is so difficult for me is that his "time anxiety" is so bad that there is no reasoning with him. He ended up eating at 3:30, a good 2 1/2 hours before his shift. I didn't have the energy to push him past that early dinner to a later time so that he could live through eating later and see that he had enough time. I know that without me challenging him a little he will never learn the successes he so desperately needs to learn. I promised him that he would be on time to work but he remained stone-faced and so I asked him,

"Do you trust me when I tell you that you have enough time and that it's going to be ok?"

He said he did but again remained stone-faced which indicated that even though he trusts me that he still feels anxious. I am at a loss. Between his therapist and I we have not been able to break through this way of thinking of his so in a way we are all slaves to this bully named "anxiety" and we're all left throwing our hands in the air and walking away so-to-speak.

Then on his way to work I ran through the questions that I do sometimes about his symptoms. As usual, of course, his anxiety was high, his voice was still talking and his paranoia at work was still the same. A defeat, especially since we had doubled his dose of Latuda. I asked him if he felt his medication is working and he said,

"Everything's the same."



So here we are in the same place we've been for weeks now. No rest for the weary. It's crazy to me. Everything's the same and yet it's so different too. I had been on overtime trying to manage my ailing daddy and trying to keep Thomas on his feet just weeks ago and now my daddy is gone and still Thomas is the same. I guess that saying "the more things change, the more they stay the same" is very appropriate for this new phase in life. My daddy is gone but Thomas is still sick, still anxious, still hearing voices, and still paranoid.

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