Saturday, March 29, 2014

Doubt

I don't know about the rest of you but I have these moments of doubt about Thomas being sick at all.

I was sitting outside this morning thinking about life and about Thomas and how he's been doing lately. Over all, apart from the whole policeman incident he has been doing better than he has in a long time. There are moments, yes, where I'm certain that he has schizophrenia but then days like yesterday happen and mornings like this one happen and somehow I start to question everything.

Let's take the police incident for an example. Seeing the car outside his work caused him to get anxious and apparently the anxiety led to his paranoia. Or was it the other way around? I don't know really and because of that I wonder if instead Thomas suffers from an anxiety disorder and not schizophrenia. I will share a moment of self disclosure here and say that for myself, when I'm driving, if a police car starts to follow me I begin to wonder if he's following me in particular. I check my speed, I wonder if all of my lights are working, I pay attention to my following distance and if a light turns yellow, even if it means I throw my passenger through the front window, I will brake quickly to make sure I don't get caught going through a red light. Granted, I don't become terribly anxious about it but I do feel like he's after me for some infraction. So I wonder, how am I any different than Thomas? My psychiatrist has assured me in the past that I don't have schizophrenia but then I wonder, does Thomas?

Lately he has been doing more and more for himself too. I feel it like I feel when he's suffering, what I call a "disturbance in the force". He's irritated at me when I try to help him with things that I used to help him with, when I'm not around he does things like close the curtains in the house when it's getting dark and twice now I have come home from somewhere to find a freshly showered kid, no reminders from me. Is he getting better or was it that he was never sick in the first place? I know, we could list all of the "what about when he ____" things that are a part of a not too distant past but somehow I'm losing my grip on those things and beginning to have doubts. I don't know what that is that clicks in me that seems to wipe out all rationality about his having schizophrenia. Perhaps it's my old friend "denial" that's seeping back in. You know her, or someone like her. She's the one that showed up and stuck around when your loved one first started getting sick. She grasped at any straw that indicated that the doctors might be wrong after all. She didn't read the books or the studies or the articles. She found every reason on earth not to believe that what was happening was happening. Well, it is her that is with me now, today.

I have to wonder too, as I watch Thomas become more independent, is it his time to leave the nest and make a life for himself without me by his side most the time? If that is the case, then what am I looking at here? Well, to be truthful, years ago, before Thomas got sick, I was in therapy and spent a couple of sessions on my grief about Thomas growing up and leaving home. I was beside myself because I just couldn't imagine my life without him. Could that line of thinking be my "disturbance in the force" now? Could the disturbance be coming from within me? Could I be feeling that the time is coming for Thomas to move out on his own and try his wings and that scares me? Perhaps. It wouldn't surprise me since I just lost my daddy and now I'm watching Thomas do things like shower and take his own meds without my eagle eye on him and get a snack without asking and.......the list goes on and on.

I don't know. That's just what I feel today. Doubt. That and probably that fear that he will actually leave home and make a life for himself in some little apartment with a friend or two and I'll be relegated to the mom who stops in and brings a casserole or does a load of laundry.

Perhaps it's all too soon to tell. I don't always know what's going on in his head. I don't know what level his delusions are at. I don't know for sure that he's less paranoid on average, I don't know....

So, I sit here today writing about what I don't know, what I fear, what I do and don't want and about what seems to be reality. I want him better, I want him to have a life, I want him happy, I want the monsters to truly go away but is he? Will he? Can he be? Will they?

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