Sunday, February 09, 2014

With The Snow Comes A Fresh New Day

Good morning everyone! I have a million things to say but I'll try to keep it short for today. First of all it's snowing here. It's absolutely beautiful with everything covered in white. My less than lovely front lawn, the neighbor's dirty car, all pathway's leading away from my warm, cozy house, are all covered in snow and it's beautiful and kind of reminds me how for a time sometimes it's nice to have a "blanket" to hide under and forget the real world for a while. I love the snow. At least for this morning since I don't have to drive in it yet.

Now to what is really exciting for me. Yesterday's postings on mental illness and grief was a huge success. Thank you all for your support and for sharing and 'liking' so much of it. I have to admit that I almost posted late last night that I hoped I hadn't bummed too many of you out with all of that but then thought about it and realized that we all need to read things like this so that we don't feel so alone and so that we can learn even just one new coping skill. So, thank you (again) and I appreciate each and every one of you. It makes me sad that we all have to go through this but we are not alone. We have each other.

As for Thomas yesterday, the day went ok. I'm not jumping up and down with enthusiasm as we are now settling into our (yet another) "new normal". He's better, I won't discount that at all but he's still struggling. He still reports that he doesn't feel any different which is a disappointment to me but he is definitely engaging more with me and as a mom that is the best gift I could get right now. Just having him speak to me and to have "that look" in his eyes that's almost...almost serene makes me happy. With my faith in him and his meds renewed, I can be a better help to him. I had sunk so far into my own grief that I had ceased to be a good support for him, instead becoming a part of the problem by over-mothering and being intrusive sometimes. He's been in this episode for 3 months so getting him back to good will take some time. I can do it and I think my showing him that I am there fully will help him in the long run.

We had a bit of a scare last night with meds side effects so for a moment there I was back in the darkness. He came out of his room around 9pm and stood by my chair and said he didn't feel good, that he was dizzy and sleepy and he felt like something was wrong. I immediately took his blood pressure--my new tool for getting a glimpse into how his body is reacting instead of always prying into his mind. It was pretty low but his pulse was racing at 117 BPM. Not good for 9pm at night. He said his heart was racing also which scares me. I laid in bed last night and pondered what it does to a body to have low blood pressure but a high pulse rate. I was trying to figure out what that's doing to his poor heart. It can't be good, I know that, but I wonder just exactly what damage is being done, if any.

I got him to bed early and then went to bed myself. I didn't sleep though. Well, I slept but in a weird place between waking and dreams where I was worrying about him and trying to help him. When I got up this morning I checked him and he is ok. While things are improving, I am acutely aware that I am now checking him to see if he's died in his sleep, not something I have had to do for a long long time. It's sad and scary especially when I can't see if he's breathing but it's a necessary evil if we're going to take these meds and endure the side effects.

With that being said, I didn't mean to bum out your Sunday morning, I'm just keeping it real. As in all things in life, the good comes with the bad. Yin and yang. Over all though things are good for me with Thomas. We'll get him back, we will. And for those of you who are losing hope like I was, as much as I hated (hated) people telling me that "it just takes time" and "it will happen, he'll get better", the truth of the matter is, it will. You just read weeks of me losing my grip on my hope and I'm back now and you will be too. ♥

Have a nice Sunday morning. I'm going to go drink my coffee now and contemplate making a snow angel.

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