Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Magic Formula

As we head into yet another therapy day I am wondering what is ahead of us. Thomas' therapist had suggested that Thomas go back in to his boss and decrease his hours a little bit but I just can't imagine that he'll do that. I asked his therapist through email to help me speak to Thomas about this as I don't feel like he would listen to me at this point. In some ways I can't blame him for not wanting to go back in and ask for reduced hours after he had just been in there asking for more. I have to say, if I could do it for him, I would but I don't feel like it's my place to do that. I don't want to be his "mommy" running in there to fix things since he is 19 and is looked upon as an adult.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and explaining this to her along with some other things that I see going on in Thomas. Her suggestion was for me to stop worrying so much about him. My question for her was,

"How can I not worry? With him fluctuating like he is, I just don't know what's going on with him and with him like this, I know that something is going on and that worries me."

I have to wonder though, how is it possible not to worry? I currently am suffering from some pretty serious pelvic pain that is unlike anything I have ever felt before. The pain level reaches a 10 out of 10 a few times during the day and it scares me. I'm guessing that the pain is there because something is wrong and I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that it's something stress related. You see, my body has been slowly breaking down since all of this started a couple years ago. My comprehensive blood tests show a body under stress and I see my doctor every 3 months so she can watch it and make sure it's not leading to something really bad. I know that this is happening to me and yet I can't seem to let loose of all of the things that plague me about my life. Between my dad who has some pretty rough days pretty often that make me feel like my heart is being torn from my chest and then Thomas and his fluctuating and just generally deteriorating mental health, life isn't easy and stress is just a fixture in my life now. I was hoping that my body would just eventually get used to it and reset itself at this new level of stress and way of living and I would start to feel better. Obviously that isn't happening. I'm guessing my body is going to continue to push back at me until I find a way to decrease the stress in my life. How I'm going to do that is beyond me.

As for my source of stress where Thomas is concerned, it comes from (obviously) worrying about the new things that have cropped up. For example, the last two nights he has gone to bed when we do around 8:30 or 9 and that is a drastic change for him. He seems so flat and pretty beaten down by the day's end and I'm not sure what is causing that. I hate these changes that I term "disturbances in the force" and I think my worry comes from the fact that I have zero control over anything that is happening to my son. Coming from a person that likes to control as much as possible, this is a pretty rough way to live. Between my dad's decline and Thomas' illness I am certainly being taught some lesson about letting go of that inflexible part of my personality. After trying to change a lifetime of fighting for control of my own mental health and other aspects of my life that did see changes when I took initiative and fought for myself, it is hard to relinquish that control now. I have tried to hand it all over to God and I like to tell myself that I do but when Thomas shows signs of his illness I can't help but instead ask God just exactly what are His plans here? Assuming He had a hand in Thomas getting sick, I often wonder why He did this to my son and consequently to myself and my family. I know that there must be some greater plan that I am not privy to but waiting for that to come to fruition is nothing short of excruciating sometimes.

So, today, on day 4 of my newly acquired pelvic pain, on day (who knows anymore?) of Thomas' therapy, on day ~1,278 of Thomas' illness, I wander in to it assuming I will somehow, by sheer will, be able to change it all if I can just figure out what the magic formula is for change and some semblance of control.

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