Monday, February 03, 2014

A New Week Of Possibilities

It is the beginning of another week of trials for Thomas and I. Today he gets his usual weekly blood tests to check his WBC. After last week's drop, I am curious to see where the results end up this week. I am shoring myself up for the possible drop and planning on not overreacting to it. There's only so much a person can take where this is concerned and I'm determined to find my strength and move to the next step, whatever it may be. These blood tests are going to be a fixture in our life and suffering each and every time they are drawn is just not an option anymore. We've been at this 6 weeks or more and should be used to it. I mean, really, all of the workers at the clinic know us now, see us coming and get the paperwork ready before we even reach the desk. They're used to all of this so I shall be too.

I hope.

I am also looking forward to meeting with Dr. N. tomorrow because it seems like he's got some plans in the works. When there are options, like he has laid out in a couple of emails to me, then there is hope. Nobody has said the game is over yet so I'm intent on continuing to play until someone blows the whistle and everyone starts walking off of the field. I have a good team of professionals that are far from giving up so I need to take their lead and keep moving forward.

All of this is really easy to write after having had a good weekend and watching a good football game that I got to shout at the TV while I watched and laugh with joy as my team made touchdown after touchdown. I'm not a huge football fan, I rarely watch a game but with my team that I grew up with from early childhood in the Super Bowl then I just had to watch. The beauty of yesterday is that while Thomas was cooped up in his room as usual, I was focused on the game and not thinking about him much. I really needed that. He was safe, he did come out of his room to eat and he so sweetly came out to greet his grandma when she arrived to watch the game with us. For all intents and purposes, yesterday he was ok and that gave me the peace I needed to decompress. I didn't realize how much I had quit enjoying life until yesterday watching that game.

Someone mentioned to me recently the idea of the grief process for parents or loved ones of someone living with schizophrenia. I have been acutely aware since then that I am grieving yet again as I have watched Thomas disappear. My plan this week is to post some things that I find about that in the hopes that if there are others of you out there that are grieving like me that you will find some comfort and understanding in the content. After yesterday's release, I am clear-headed enough to see that I need to try to make peace with the truth of what is happening to Thomas and to his family as a result.

A week or so ago I posted an article written by a man living with schizophrenia and in it he attempted to better explain the experience of having schizophrenia. I have heard nothing but good things from people who have read it and I have found it so helpful myself so I thought I'd pass it on to my husband. Who would have thought that he would take the time to read it but he did. Not only did he read it but he took it to heart. We were talking about Thomas' symptoms a couple days ago and my husband told me that he had read something about that in the article. I watched as his face clouded over the more we talked about that article and the realities of Thomas being sick. I was shocked to see the grief wash over his features as he began to put two and two together between what he read and what Thomas deals with and how he acts. I believe he has finally "gotten it" about Thomas and he is changed. This is not to say that he won't blow up again but I have never seen recognition of the real truth of Thomas' illness in his face and tone. He is now grieving too and we walk this path together now.

For those of you interested in the article I am talking about, I will repost it within an hour so be looking for it. It is very good and I think it's worth passing on to others in your life that don't have a good understanding of schizophrenia.

So, --deep breath-- here we go. A new week with endless possibilities and for me, some hope. Finally.

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