Friday, January 17, 2014

Wow, Really?

Yesterday was Thomas' therapy session and I was once again lucky enough to get to sit in. It was not my intention to be there but lately his therapist has been wanting updates from me too so, in I go.

To begin with, Thomas has been fighting SERIOUS anger issues in the last few days. They've been sneaking up for a while but have never been as bad as they are lately. The anger is centered around the set up of his new computer and while I understand and I totally relate to being mad at a computer that doesn't work, the concern with Thomas is his level of anger (an 8/10) and the fact that he gets locked into it and nothing and no one can get through to him when he's like that. I have tried taking him over to throw glass in the recycling bin and that hasn't helped and I have walked miles with him trying to help him calm down. I've tried to offer perspective on the situation to no avail and now it's come to me just trying to stay away from him more out of fear for my own safety and because it's become obvious that I can't calm him down. We tried to work on that in therapy yesterday but it didn't work. I could tell his therapist was concerned when even he couldn't touch it. I don't know what I'm going to do for him and feel even more worried because the professional wasn't able to help either. Now what?

Next we talked about Thomas' increasing anxiety. As I described to his therapist how it's been ramping up and as Thomas confirmed the high levels he experiences and the fact that his anti-anxiety med doesn't touch it, I watch as his therapist became very sad. I'm always watchful about his reactions because I like to see when a light bulb goes off and I can relax for a minute because I know he's about to come up with something great. Instead, at one point, I looked at him during the anxiety talk and his eyes were welled up with tears. This broke me down but I managed to keep my emotions under control. What do you do when the therapist is overcome with emotion? While I think it's really sweet and shows his humanity, I wished more than anything that he had something to offer. He sadly told Thomas how anxiety can be a bully and that he didn't want him to give in to it if that is at all possible. I told Thomas later about my own experiences with anxiety and how it had won against my valiant fight against it and I told him I wished for him to not have to deal with it. I promised him I would try to help him cope but the truth of the matter is, I know that nothing touched mine and it's apparent that nothing is going touch his. It's very hard to see him suffer like this and I'm especially in tune with this particular kind of suffering because I've been there myself and know how it can downright own you. I don't know what's going to happen but I know that this just can't go on like this too much longer. Neither can the anger. The dam will give way eventually and I'm not sure what's on the other side of that.

Finally, and what amused me the most for some strange reason, his therapist brought up that chapter he had given Thomas to read. I looked at his therapist then at Thomas and then back at his therapist. Thomas piped up that he hadn't read it but that I had and he left it at that. Then I waited and gave his therapist "the look" and wondered what he was going to say next. Honestly, inside, all I was thinking was, "wow...REALLY???" After all that I had said to him in my email (which I went back and read before session and decided it had been well worded and fair) I couldn't believe he was broaching this subject with Thomas. He sat there for a minute saying nothing and I smiled to myself and his therapist came back with, "Well, never mind. Let's leave it be." TRIUMPH!! I was so happy that he was smart enough to leave it alone. The real truth of the whole moment was that Thomas said he had not read it and I knew that I had done my job and remained, to Thomas, indifferent about the chapter and he had chosen, on his own, not to read it. All I can say is that what I wanted prevailed and with it left to hang in the middle of a quiet room filled with an awkward silence on mine and his therapist's part the subject was left to flicker and go out on it's own.

So, the real take away from Thomas' session yesterday is that his anger and anxiety are HUGE problems that need solving and with no help available and another week ahead of us before we see his therapist again, not to mention Thomas' new work schedule, I don't know what we're going to do. I'm very worried about my boy and as per usual lately, feel completely helpless.

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