Friday, January 03, 2014

Tomorrow's A New Day

It's funny, after yesterday's optimistic post you would think I would have been able to hang onto some of that hope. It's not that I've lost it but while I was writing it I thought I felt like I was so excited for the future. Yesterday made that a little harder for me as the day wore on after Thomas woke up.

For one thing he slept about 13 hours which I was happy about. I was careful to keep the house quiet so that he would sleep. I know that the clozaril is causing him sedation but it also appears to be causing something else that I just can't put my finger on. I hate when that happens because I always try to find words for my feelings and try to figure out what the people around me are feeling but I had no words for what Thomas was feeling. If I had to guess, I would say it's a cross between anger and depression but I don't know. He reported that he was "fine" yesterday but nothing about him seemed fine to me. He was rude to me (which is fine but out of character) and he was distant, barely speaking to me in the car on the way to therapy and then over to the pharmacy. Usually he accompanies me in to places especially when it's dark outside but he chose to remain in the car while I went into the pharmacy. He appears lost somewhere else right now and I'm hating it.

I know it's way to early to even say this but to me, it appears that the clozaril is making him worse. I don't know if it's that he's titrating off of the Geodon and going up on the clozaril and that's some kind of perfect storm or what? I keep telling myself that I've been through meds changes before and that I should be used to everything by now but I can't get myself to be used to this. I'm in a scary place too because Chad is gone and Thomas' new doctor isn't available until next Thursday at 1pm. I suppose I could call over to Chad's old office (there are other PNP's there) and let them know what's going on but I don't even know what I would say. Nobody but Chad and Thomas' therapist knows our "language" so if I say he's "off" they aren't going to see that as important, I don't think. We'll see how Thomas wakes up today.

By the end of the day yesterday, after working like crazy not to trigger what ever is lying underneath Thomas' outer mood, I went to bed early and told myself that "tomorrow is a new day." It's all I had to cling to but I'm painfully aware how often I say that to myself and when tomorrow comes it's not much better. I hope that yesterday was a fluke and that I'll get an improved, fresh-faced Thomas when he wakes up this morning. As I wrote that last sentence I remembered that he works tonight. That is a guarantee that he's not going to be in a good mood again.

Terrific.

In therapy yesterday Thomas reported that he still had his paranoia but what caught my attention was that on a scale of 1-10 he rated his feeling of being trapped a 5. That's high for him especially since he's reported that at a 0 for a while now. In the car after therapy I told him that if he's feeling like that at any time to let me know and I'll get him out of the house or take him wherever he wants to go. He got all weird and stuttery saying that that wasn't what he meant about feeling trapped and then he said, "Oh never mind." and I knew to leave it alone. He does this thing that I consider a form of delusional thinking where even the tiniest things are met with a flash of anger. It's hard to put into words but it's like he wants his world a certain way and any step outside of that makes him mad. One of the best examples I have right now is that he's clearly sleepy and I caught him drifting off to sleep the other day and when he woke up I told him that he should just lay down for a little bit and get some rest and he blew up at me and said,

"I'M NOT SLEEPING!!! I'M NOT TIRED!!"

So I left it alone like I'm leaving everything else alone right now because that's what I'm up against.

Hopefully as I write this this morning that I am merely reliving a bad day yesterday and that all of this anguish will be for nothing and that my wish that "tomorrow's a new day" will have been enough to make today better. I guess I'll find out in a few hours but in the meantime I'm going to pray that he wakes up feeling better. My gut tells me he won't be though.

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