Monday, January 20, 2014

Is It Worth The Fight?

I'm in a really strange place right now because what's happening is worrisome but it's also confirmation to Thomas' doctors that something is going on. I never know quite what to do in situations like this.

In the last 3 weeks, I have noticed that Thomas has significantly slowed down on his showering schedule. For a while there, I was kind of letting it go by because my mind has been occupied with so many things having to do with him and my dad and my mom. Here and there I would notice his greasy hair or that he looked scruffy and I knew that this was a sign that he's not doing so well but I let it go. I did think though that since he worked Saturday that he would shower beforehand because he usually does.

I came home from visiting my dad on Saturday and found Thomas in his room and initially he looked clean to me. I commented on that it was nice that he had showered and he looked down and he quietly said that he didn't. I told him he looked clean but then realized it was because he had shaved. Well, at least he had done that! He told me that he would try to shower later but he said it in such a dejected tone that I felt bad for him. Then I hugged him tightly and while I did that I said to him,

"You don't feel much like showering lately do you?"

To that he said "no" and he just sounded so beaten down so I told him that I understood but that I wanted him to shower sometime soon. Well, here it is Monday and no showering has happened for days. We have done the run around before, countless times, both my husband and I trying to get him to shower and it's been met with resistance just about every time so I have kind of given up fighting him on it but will offer gentle reminders. The problem is, none of that is working anymore and now we've stacked a lack of self care on top of everything else that is going on.

Needless to say, since I don't want to fight him about it, I have left it alone but inside, part of me isn't fighting a little harder because I want his doctors to see for themselves how he's doing. There's nothing more striking than a flat-mooded kid looking disheveled. I wonder though, am I doing the right thing? In the past week I have answered back to myself that it wasn't like I hadn't tried to get him to shower, it's just that I hadn't launched into a lecture that would generate a fight with him.

I don't know....I guess I've just been beaten down so much lately with everything going on, with his worsening symptoms and my dad changing into a delusional, hallucinating, agitated, depressed person himself. My dad is a whole other flavor of heartbreak to deal with right now. Between the two of them, I feel like I have been assaulted by the "psychosis God" who is tossing everything at me in order to test my resolve. I've got to say, I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle right about now.

So, I don't know. Is it worth the fight to get my 19 year old kid into the shower? I'll keep up with my gentle reminders but since they don't seem to touch him enough to make him shower then I am at a loss.

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