Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Fresh Start

Yesterday was something pretty close to hell for me personally. I don't know what the heck was wrong but I was cycling through every negative mood a person can dream up. I had had a rough day the day before and couldn't wait till the new day and then I got what I got. Hopefully today will be better.

Thank you to all of you who responded about Thomas missing work. You helped me so much especially because I was pretty crazy yesterday. I'm not entirely sure Thomas was as anxious about missing his job as I was. That's not to say he wasn't worried but after calling the manager and finding out that the problem couldn't be addressed until today, he went right back to playing on his computer. Meanwhile I sat in the living room crying. He will call his manager today and this guy is the one that knows he has schizophrenia and is going through meds changes so I'm hoping he'll just write Thomas up but will leave it at that and get him a spot somewhere on the schedule. Thomas has been a model employee up to this point except for one time he didn't catch a box coming down one of those rolling ramps and everything broke in it but I figured when that happened that they should chalk that up to him being a new employee.

Yesterday I was all over the map with my thoughts and feelings concerning Thomas. He has started staying up till 2am doing God knows what on his computer and then he sleeps until 1 in the afternoon. He's been in a rotten mood and I have stood by and watched as he has gotten worse. I sat down with him yesterday and talked to him about the importance of keeping a normal sleep schedule and that it was imperative for him to do so with his illness and he sat there the entire time and glared at me. He argued that he wasn't staying up late except that I check his social media religiously now and I can see exactly when he posted things and he's doing it all after midnight. I was trying to find a way to let him know that I KNEW he was up past midnight without using his social media as an indicator because I am wanting to keep him feeling free to post what he wants to it without feeling like I'm keeping tabs. He denied staying up late nonetheless and continued to glare at me so I left his room, again in tears.

The thing is, I was never excited for him to have his new computer built and up and running because I knew that this would happen. Along with that, I knew that I would have virtually no control over his life where that was concerned once he got it going. I miss the days of being able to do things like take away his TV because he stays up too late watching it or even going so far as to pull the cable back through the wall so he couldn't connect anything to it. There was such power I held over him when he was a kid and it helped him stay healthier than he is now because he was forced to keep the schedule I set out for him. Taking his computer away now just isn't an option but admittedly I could secretly disconnect his internet access but I'm just not prepared to do that right now since I think it's more important that he learns his limits. Right now him learning them is a colossal failure.

So, today is a new day. I'm pretty heavy hearted but hopeful that I'm going to see his face before 1pm. My wish is that it will be a bright face but that hasn't been the norm lately. He's wracked with side effects from the increase in clozaril so he's really not feeling all that great--which is why I would like him to go to sleep at a decent hour. We'll see. As for his job, I will let you know when I hear about what the result of his call to his manager is.

Thank you everyone for being an amazing support to me. ♥ It does not go unnoticed. Not even a little bit.

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