Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Dueling Doctors

On Sunday night I sent a copy of Thomas' most disturbing posting to his therapist and his psychiatrist. I did that because I was worried about how depressed he sounded and even though he stated that it wasn't a suicide note, I was worried about him taking his life. He had told me he was fine but from past experience I know that oftentimes you say you're fine to get people off your back and then you attempt to take your life. I also sent along another posting of Thomas' to his therapist because it showed that he's still very much delusional and I thought he needed to know about it. It's funny, I know I need to be patient with this clozaril and I am told it can take up to 3 months to work but in the mean time, it seems like Thomas is getting worse. I was/am worried so I sent those things off.

I waited all through Sunday (even though I was fairly certain I wouldn't hear from either of them on a weekend) and all through yesterday to hear from both of them. As the day wore on, I began to wonder if either of them cared and I wondered who would come in first with their thoughts. It became a race, of sorts, in my mind with the two professionals opinions of what to think or do, as I waited for something...anything from one of them.

While I waited yesterday I hung out in my support group and talked to people about their experiences with their loved ones on social media and I read your responses here and overwhelmingly everyone told me to leave it alone and let Thomas express himself. I was thankful for this because I was starting to feel like a bad mom because I wasn't putting a stop to it immediately. My argument for not doing that was, and is, that I now have a window into his mind and lately I have needed that. So, to all of you who supported my keeping my mouth shut about it, I thank you. The threat about his life was not ignored though hence the emails to his therapist and a talk I had with Thomas as I took him to his blood draw for his clozaril.

You see, he SAYS he's fine but yet again he hasn't showered in days, he sits in his room on his computer in the dark watching YouTube videos and playing video games and he is sullen and very short tempered with me. I tried all day yesterday giving him space but as the day wore on I began to wonder if this was what life was going to be about. Was my child going to spend the rest of his life living with schizophrenia, anxious, depressed, angry, dirty from not showering and isolated from the world? He IS 19 now so it's not like I can ground him from his computer or take it away from him. I am now a powerless mom forced to stand by and watch her son sink further into insanity. This isn't what I want for my boy and I am scared as I watch him disappear. This is not a life. Not for me and most certainly not for him.

Then at around 5pm my beloved Dr. N. wrote me back about his thoughts on Thomas' social media postings. It seems he won the "duel" and came through for me. The amazing thing is that not only did he come through, but he came through with a very long email full of ideas of what we could do to help Thomas. I will tell you that he agrees that Thomas needs some medication augmentation and is hesitant to increase his Wellbutrin since it has a tendency to increase paranoia and Thomas is not free of that yet but he did say that clozaril has an anti-depressant effect to it so he was hoping that would help Thomas soon. He also said that he felt we needed to increase the clozaril and in lieu of an increase in Wellbutrin, add another anti-psychotic to help with the delusions. Beyond that he told me in a very sweet manner how much he appreciated the information that I sent him and he liked that he has that ability to get a better view of what is going on with Thomas. Then the topper for me was that he signed the email with his first name. I know...no big deal right? Well, I have always felt doctors, especially good ones, were worthy of being called by their hard earned title of "doctor" but him personalizing the email made me see him in a much more friendly light. As if I didn't already love the guy. ♥

So, for now, we continue to keep an eye on Thomas. I thanked God this morning when I checked Thomas' various social media outlets that I didn't find anything that worried me. I don't think I could have spent another day in the state of worry that I was in yesterday. Apparently though, waiting is going to be the name of the game so my getting right with that needs to happen soon or all of this is going to kill me.

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