Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Taking Stock.

It's really been a trip down memory lane converting just my blog postings from this page over to my regular blog. I have gotten through reposting the first month of our life when I began here at Facebook and I have forgotten how sick Thomas was back then. Even more sobering to me has been the fact that it's only been 7 months since things began to get really bad. Well, who am I kidding? They've been bad for much longer than that.

I remember why I started the blog. After Thomas' diagnosis it took me a few months to let it really sink in that he has schizophrenia. I remember months of collecting information and books to read and just setting them in a pile, promising myself that I would read them but finding it hard to face what was happening to Thomas. I was in true denial and in a deep grief that took me, really until recently, to rid myself of. It's interesting to me the things I will tell myself to stave off emotional pain.

Then I sprang into action. Very first on my mind when I started this blog was my plan to not hide in the long, dark shadows of schizophrenia and the stigma that surrounds it. I was ANGRY and I wasn't going to doom myself or Thomas to a life hiding from the truth and so I started writing.

Today here I am having written what now amounts to my journal and I took so many of you with me and more joined along the way. I am content in the fact that I have shared our story with all of you and I am happy that I was honest the whole way. I deserve to have my story told, Thomas deserves to have his story told and all of you deserve to have your story told. That is why I am here and why I will continue to stay here writing and being a voice for all of us.

I hope sometime you all will go and read my blog in it's entirety and then be able to come back here having shared, again, in the painful but interesting and heartfelt journey that Thomas and I have taken. Some of you have said I should write a book and I am coming to realize as I continue to convert the postings here to over there that I have done just that. I have written a book. The truth of the matter is, our story has only just begun and maybe somewhere, far down the road, I will do just that, write a book. That would be my dream as it always has been my dream and I would love to be able to see that dream come true.

As for Thomas in the last couple of days, he has taken on more hours and work. We talk practically every car ride to work about the big paycheck he will get and he is very excited. I see the wheels turning as he plans what to do with the money. Also, he is building a computer from the ground up using those paychecks and he's slowly but surely piecing and parting it together. As each part has come to our door and he has opened it, he has been so excited and there is a pile in his room of various parts. He's been so confident about putting it together until the other day.

I came in from outside and found him in the living room with the tower opened up and all of the blank spaces for parts screaming to be filled and he was just standing there looking at it. I was brought back to when he was attempting to put together the things it would take to enroll in college and like then, he was frozen now. The project is exciting or rather what he'll have when the project is done is exciting but now, as he stood there over all of those complicated pieces of technology, he was frozen again, faced with the daunting task of putting his dream together.

He asked for my help but having no clue myself, I told him he was on his own. Sadly within minutes he was moving everything back to his room and he sunk into the couch to watch TV, his excitement gone. That is the thing about this illness and it's been around for him for a long long time. There is so much he wants to do but accomplishing them alone is nearly impossible. His brain does not fire enough or in the correct way to enable him to be able to do things that take a lot of planning or thought. Even a few sentences of instruction from me get lost in the air between us because after 2 sentences, he has checked out, his brain on overload.

So, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I look back at my months of my writing and I see my boy struggling then just as he does now. He's not on a train hurdling towards a broken bridge but he is still schizophrenic and the essence of the illness is still there. It amazes me how this illness hangs on and how others (like his therapist) see a remission of sorts but I, for one, see him still struggling to survive.

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