Wednesday, November 27, 2013


OK. I want to write this but I am dead tired and just not waking up this morning. My coffee is not doing its job at all. The reason is because I didn't sleep last night and the reason for that is this:

I went and picked up Thomas from work last night at 10:30. He got in the car and he was acting strangely. I asked how his night was and got an underwhelming response and I looked over at him and he looked tired so I thought I would leave him be. I might have asked a couple other questions but I don't remember because all I can think of is what happened about halfway home.

It's cold out here. We have been in a cold snap for a few days now and Thomas, who loves the cold even when he's wearing just a t-shirt and shivering, has wanted snow. We haven't really had any sort of conversation about it so I have thought little of it but then in the car on the way home out of the silence between us came his voice,

"It's snowing! I can see the little crystals coming down."

That is fine except that

It wasn't snowing.

I looked and looked at the windshield looking for snowflakes hitting it, I looked up ahead to see if I could see anything in the headlights.


I asked him again if he could still see it snowing and he confirmed that he did. So I said,

"I don't see it snowing. There should be something hitting the windshield and it's completely clean. Are you sure you're seeing the snow?"

"Yes, I do."

"Well, I don't see it Thomas. I think you are hallucinating."

Dead silence.

In an attempt to lighten the mood and because we've joked before about these sorts of things I said to him,

"Well, I suppose if you're going to see something that isn't there then at least it's something like snow. I am thankful that when you do hallucinate that they are ordinary things like this and what you've seen in the past."

He smiled a half smile and I turned back to watch the road and we rode along in silence for a bit. Then I asked him,

"Does it bother you when I don't see what you see?"

He said it didn't and I asked him one more time if he saw the snow and he again confirmed it.

When we got home he seemed depressed. He went to his room and came out and stood in the middle of the living room as I turned the lights and TV off. He looked so tired and depressed and I was getting worried about him. First the hallucinated snow and then his figure standing in the darkened room.

"Mom, can I have a hug?" he asked.

I grabbed him and held him as tightly as I could and asked him if he was ok. He said he was but I just couldn't get myself to agree with his answer. He turned and went to his room. He has a dimmer light in his room and when I passed by his room on the way to bed he was just standing in the middle of his half-darkened room looking lost. He came to his doorway and I asked him if he was going to brush his teeth and he said he had to do something first and then he said goodnight and closed his door to his half-darkened room. He was alone in there with whatever was haunting him and I went to bed wide-awake and unable to think about anything but the snowflakes that hadn't been there.

I know snowflakes are no big deal. I know he wasn't seeing some monster or bloodied corpse or snarling animal. It was a few innocent snowflakes but it scares me to death. He had been reality checking with me a lot in the last few days but this was the first time that I really couldn't see what he saw.

So what does this mean?

Don't tell me because I already know. I already know and I feel sick and now my mind is swirling wondering what else he sees that he doesn't tell me about. Here we are again.

Here we are again. The positive symptoms are back. I thought he was fine.

I. Thought. He. Was. Fine.

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