Saturday, October 05, 2013

The Silenced Alarm Bells

The other day I took Thomas to his medication appointment. We went in the NP's office and sat down, both Thomas and I quiet. The NP asked Thomas how he was and he said he was doing good. He asked Thomas about his paranoia and he said it was still there. The NP asked if they were scaring Thomas and he said that they weren't too much. Then the NP turned to me and said,

"W
hat's wrong with Mom? She's usually telling on you by now?"

First off, because I hear it so much, why is it that these people refer to me as mom and not by my name? I feel like they're treating Thomas like a child, as if he wouldn't know who I am if the NP called me Melanie. Secondly though, I laughed because it was true, I wasn't saying a word, I wasn't "telling on" Thomas because the truth of the matter is, I have nothing to say because everything is going pretty decently, at least in the world of medications.

The great news is that the antidepressant is working famously and Thomas' trapped feeling and depression have dissipated and he's functioning like a, well, reasonably normal (what is normal again anyway???) person. I see smiles daily, hourly if I'm lucky enough to spend time with him and he's participating in the family again and is no longer stone-faced, slumped on the couch, or locked in a dark bedroom. His curtains in his room get opened every day and beautiful, healing sunshine comes in his room.

For now I have my boy back.

This is not to say that the schizophrenia has disappeared into the mist of the morning sun because those pesky delusions seem to be finding energy also which I'm coming to realize is an unrecorded side-effect of antidepressants but the alarm bells ringing out saying that Thomas is suicidal or on the edge of flipping out have silenced and we're one our feet running now which is good but the goal is to outrun the delusions, at least the creation of new ones.

Thomas is now having many more good days than bad and everyone who sees him sees that in him. I know I'm celebrating a little too much because we aren't out of the woods but c'mon, after everything, after this last year+, I deserve a moment or two of unabashed, out of control, dangerously naïve, celebrating.

We're hardly out of the woods but I see the blue sky at the edge of the forest and for right now, I am happy.

Thomas is happy.

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