Monday, October 21, 2013

The Best News!! But...

I saved this great news for today to start your day. Yesterday afternoon Thomas got the call from the place that he applied at and...

HE GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How cool is that??

Such a proud young man emerged from his room after the call and came straight to me and told me that they had called and told him that he had the job. I, of course, screamed and grabbed him and hugged him. His smile was priceless as he told me what they wanted him to wear his first day (dress casual) and he will begin this new journey on Tuesday at 2 p.m.

You guys, this is just amazing and I am the world's proudest mom right now! It was this time last year that he was very depressed and suicidal and headed into his first hospitalization for suicidal ideation and I was brokenhearted wondering about him and his safety and today here he is, an employed young man!!

Then hours later as I was getting ready to go to bed I stopped by his room and as he got off of his bed to come give me a hug goodnight, I could see that there was something wrong, very wrong, with him. He was shaking and he grabbed me and hugged me and he was vibrating, shaking and fearful. His eyes were wide and he was breathing shallowly and asked me if he could take one of his anti-anxiety pills. I could see something was up and I followed him into the kitchen and helped him get his pill and stood by as he solemnly took it. He turned to me and said to me, "I need to talk to you in the morning." I pressed him a little bit for an answer about what was wrong and he said he would talk to me first thing tomorrow. He looked over my shoulder at his step-dad and looked nervous and he hugged me again and went back to his room. I asked him if he was going to be ok to sleep tonight and he said he thought he would be but I could hear trepidation in his voice. I reluctantly said goodnight, gave him one more hug, and went to bed.

Once in bed I was reminded of the horrible night of his last psychotic break and how he was trapped in his room with nowhere to go and no one to save him from himself and the monster that haunted him and I grabbed my phone and texted him.

"You can always text me in the middle of the night or call if you need to." I wrote. "My phone is always on. I love you soooooooo much kiddo. Try to get some rest. "

His response?

"Love you to, and I'll try to get some sleep."

I put my phone down and laid there awake running through my mind all of the possibilities of what might be bugging him.

Is it the new job?
Are the monsters back?
Had someone harassed him online?
What, what, what was it??????

So, here I sit this morning filled with mixed emotion because I'm so proud of him about his job but I don't know what is going on in that head of his. If it is anxiety over the new job then we've got today and part of tomorrow to calm him. If it's something else, then what? I'm fighting off emailing his therapist about this but will bide my time until he wakes up this morning.

Poor kid. He is given the most amazing opportunity, something he's been waiting for for ages and he just isn't able to enjoy it.

As it stands right now, we have GREAT NEWS about his potential in the world of employment but it is tempered with some unknown, to me, anxiety and fear. I hope that it's the job because I know I can help him through that, even if it means I wait all afternoon in the parking lot on his first day at work if it'll make him feel better. Whatever it is, I want to ensure his success in life and will stand by his side, hugs at the ready, in order to make that happen for him.

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