Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Lost In The Fray

There has been a lot going on in my family lately but thankfully Thomas has not been the center of it. I have been in and out of the house constantly leaving Thomas to be with himself mostly and he has seemed to be fine with all of that but as per usual I misjudged the situation.

This is what happened last year. Last year my dad had just had a stroke, my life was consumed with
caring for him and my mom and Thomas got lost in the fray of it all. He ended up suicidal and I ended up coming home to our local police department in my house. Here it is a year later and it's not a stroke this time but is brain surgery for my dad and here I find myself taking care of my parents and not keeping a close eye on Thomas. Clearly there isn't enough of me to go around and clearly I have to get my act together and learn how to BALANCE my life.

So, I came home yesterday to find Thomas shut in his room, depressed, moody, and not talking much. I knew something was wrong but I had to go again. Luckily for me, sometimes texts have worked for sorting out what's going on with him so I sent him a text and asked him why he was bummed out.

As usual I got my "I don't know" and I pushed a little further and better described what I saw in him and he admitted to feeling depressed. I told him that I loved him and that I'd be home soon and I was coming directly to him for a hug. I got back an "ok" and a smiley face and I was happy that my text therapy had worked.

I really hate how my life has become consumed by crisis after crisis and I hate even more that my reflex is to see my son as a capable 18 year old young man and it makes it easier to leave and yes, sometimes I take my eyes off of him for a second (or a day, or a week...). I hate that in my absence, he gets lost in the fray and ultimately lost inside his mind.

I need to tie a rope to my ankle and to his. Long enough to live our own lives but short enough that when he's falling, I feel the tug and can pull him back to the surface. We are approaching the anniversary of his first hospitalizations and diagnosis and I feel it looming. I'm scared I'm not keeping a close enough eye on him but I'm being forced to make choices that take me away from him for hours in a day.

What was really great yesterday was that I walked in the door and literally dropped everything on the floor and stood there and said:

"I need my hug right now!!"

And a beaming Thomas came over to me, put his arms around me and held on for dear life. There was no place that I would have rather been in that moment and when I went to let go, he grabbed me and held me even tighter. I had no complaint and gripped him even tighter in return because in that moment there was NOTHING getting between he and I, in that moment, he and I were a force to be reckoned with because it is my belief that enough love conquers all.

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Most Popular Posts...

Follow my posts by Email:

Follow Me On Twitter