Saturday, September 21, 2013

The Light At The Core Of Our Being

Yesterday was an amazing day with Thomas. It still surprises me a little bit when he agrees to spend the day with me, just him and I, no video games or TV.

It started because I asked him to go for a walk with me and he agreed. The weather was beautiful and the chestnuts and acorns are falling from the trees so we talked about that and so much more. I first have to tell you guys that he's doing really good. The Wellbutrin is working its magic and that awful "trapped" feeling has pretty much disappeared. I am so thankful for this because he really seems to be suffering a great deal when he feels that way. So all of my fears about the medication seem to be unfounded. He's still only about a week and a half into it and I think they'll increase it another 150mgs so we'll see what that brings.

Anyway, we had a very nice walk and talk and then I took him to a meeting at the place helping him find a job. Afterwards I thought I'd see if he wanted to go somewhere with me and he said that he did feel like going somewhere but he didn't know where. I suggested a store that opened here in town a year ago that he hadn't been in. He loved that idea. It really amazes me that my 18-year-old wants to spend time with me wandering a store looking at random stuff. He did though and it turned out to be fun. There were Halloween decorations and I can't believe I'm going to say this but they had Christmas decorations too that I was surprisingly excited about. He looked through everything and told me about what he wanted and we talked about Christmas' past. I was a happy, content mom and he was a happy, content young man.

We went a few other places and it was on our way down to get him a vanilla milkshake that it hit me. For just a moment, time slowed down and I stepped outside my body. I told myself that this was an amazing day and that I really needed to treasure it. Here he is with me, happy, reasonably healthy, and enjoying life. Here we are together as mom and son and the sun is shining and everything is good. I stopped myself and I reached over and I squeezed his leg. THIS WAS A MOMENT TO HOLD ONTO AND NEVER FORGET. This was one of those times that I am going to need to remember when things get rough and he disappears from me into delusions and anxiety and depression and whatever else schizophrenia will throw at us down the road.

I can't tell you what it was like to be in that moment. There is some sci-fi movie, and maybe more than one, where there is a light at the center of a person's being and it begins to glow and spread throughout the person and suddenly that glow is radiating from the person and everyone can see it. That's what it was like with Thomas and I in that moment. We both had that little glowing ball of light in the center of our beings.

I reached over again and held his hand and said,

"I love you kiddo."

And he said to me,

"I love you too mom."

It was a beautiful moment after a beautiful day together. I wish that there was some way to lock these moments inside a box that I can come back to when times get rough. I imagine a place like one of those miniature Christmas towns where the lights glow in the windows and people walk their dogs on the street while a couple skates on a tiny frozen pond. I want something tangible like that that I can open the lid, turn on the lights and watch the skaters dance on the ice to beautiful music.

One thing's for sure, I will never forget those hours with Thomas. I love that boy so much!!

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