Thursday, September 05, 2013

Hard Core Honesty (A Frank Post About Suicide).

I am going to admit something to you all because there is a mental health awareness event going on right now and I'm somewhat avoiding it and since I'm doing that I want to explain why. There is no real intelligence behind why I'm avoiding it, more cowardice and denial than anything. This is suicide prevention/awareness month. This is a topic of serious importance in my life and I am not proud that I avoid it but let me explain why.

For starters, I have had extended family members in my life that have been suicidal, one even as recently as a week ago. It scares the crap out of me. It scares me so much that I want to hide from it and say prayers till my throat is hoarse and the tears have dried. Beyond that, what got Thomas hospitalized less than a year ago was a threat he posted on Facebook threatening to kill himself. That brought me to my knees and I never recovered from that. Right before that, a little over a month before Thomas, my beautiful angel niece who is seriously bipolar heard a voice that told her to kill herself so she took an entire Costco size bottle of Tylenol and darn near succeeded in ending her beautiful young life.

Now, in the interest of keeping this page honest like I vowed to do so that no one would feel so alone, I have to say that for years I was very depressed and always felt that suicide was an option and in my younger years even attempted to end my life more than once. It was a terrible place to be, so desperate to end the torture of depression and a life I hated living. I even believed completely that my beautiful Thomas would be better off without me. So you can see, I was in a pretty terrible place if leaving the boy I am dedicating my life to now seemed like a better option than staying and seeing him through his formative years and into adulthood.

Then last year Thomas began to fall apart. Every fiber of my being told me that I needed to be here for him and so I made the decision to live. I chose life instead of death. I chose Thomas over my own darkness and somehow realizing that my life was his too, the light came on and there has not been a day since that I've looked over the edge into the great beyond and felt that place was better than this.

I tell you all of this because I want you to know that I speak from experience about suicide. And yes, I should be out there on the front lines fighting for awareness. But I am scared. I'm not ready to utter the words aloud beyond what I'm doing today because I am terrified that I am going give life to that most tragic option in my life be it for my loved ones or God forbid Thomas or myself.

It's a cowardly stance but it's where I am and right now, especially in this time when it should be shouted from rooftops that the option to take your life is not an option at all, apart from today I will lurk in the shadows. I am giving you the hard core truth about my life. I am telling you that choosing life for yourself and consequently for your loved ones is the only consideration there is and I am telling you, most importantly, that I am a survivor at least 4 times over and I thank God constantly that I'm still here, fighting for myself and most importantly for my boy who can't always fight for himself.

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