Tuesday, August 20, 2013

It's Not My Choice

Today is Thomas' meds appointment. It's been 3 weeks since symptoms reared their ugly head again and the medicine seems to be working some. There have been some delusions that have been concerning but I have heard them before, just not in the ferocity as I did the other day. I don't know if I should bring them up because I feel like all I do in doing that is knock Thomas back. I feel like a tattletail. However, let's get two things straight here.

First, I am well aware that the doctors need to know about these things. I am also aware that when I speak about what I see, both the doctors and Thomas are listening and taking these things into consideration. I am not pushed aside in any way, shape or form. I am also aware that these delusions are symptoms of his schizophrenia and without some sort of intervention, they will remain and probably get worse. There is a part of me though that really hates to tell doctors about them because in an odd way I feel like I am trying to bring down the very essence of Thomas, even if his essence includes extreme, out of the ordinary views of his world. I get that the hallucinations are a problem and they scare him and they need help but the delusions are just his feelings about the world and really, aren't we all entitled to our opinion??

This is what I go through on medication appointment days. All of my raging self doubt about whether or not I'm doing the right thing for him comes pouring out of my gut and I feel sick.

Then, there is the other side of the coin. Thomas is 18 now. THIS IS HIS LIFE. I can tell doctors about all kinds of things that are going on but ultimately it is Thomas' choice if he wants to increase or change his medication. Now, I'm going to say this and I'll probably regret making it public but so help me God, it's the truth.

There is a part of me that is thankful that he is 18 and can ultimately decide for himself. In the end, it's his body and his life and no amount of my telling the doctors what I see will necessarily change Thomas' mind about meds. If in the end he does decide to change or increase meds or if he decides to do nothing at all or worse, go off of them altogether, it is his decision. I can be there for him to help him through the side effects and ensure that he is feeling the best he can under the circumstances but when he walks out of the doctor's office and tells me that he and the doc decided to do something with meds and because when he turned 18 the decision was no longer mine, I now don't have the blood on my hands about the decision. I know I sound awful but I hate when it is me that is responsible for imprisoning him inside of a heavily sedated, heavily medicated mind where his life becomes about dragging himself from the bed to the couch and back again.

There is NOTHING ON EARTH I WANT MORE than to have Thomas healthy and in the end I'll speak up about the symptoms I see but in the end he gets to decide about what happens to his body and mind. It's not my choice anymore.

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