Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Behind Sunglasses

I woke this morning depressed and went out on a walk through neighborhoods around me and I wore sunglasses and behind those sunglasses I cried and cried. There is a great sense of defeat this morning. Between how I'm feeling and then the disappointment I heard from both of Thomas' doctors as I explained to them the new delusions that Thomas is wrapped up in now, I am left, we all are left, with a sadness, one which I personally don't feel I'll ever shake. We all felt things were going well enough and discovering that Thomas is again wrapped up in another world is hugely disappointing and painful for us all.

As Thomas' mom, I am telling MY story for the moment. I'll explain more where Thomas is in a later post. I want you all to understand that right now he doesn't feel the grief and defeat that the rest of us feel so in that respect there is a small blessing in this.

In my experience there are two facets to the positive symptoms of Thomas' schizophrenia. There are the hallucinations which are scary. They are just flat out scary for him, less so for me except for the fact that I worry about how he's going to get through them. The delusions on the other hand are scary for me. If you don't fully understand them I will explain them in the context of Thomas' manifestation of schizophrenia.

Delusions to him are the facts of his life, AS HE SEES IT and they are filtered through the lens of schizophrenia. His world view is vastly different than mine (for example) and while I sit here writing this and I'm sad and swallowing my coffee over the huge lump in my throat, he is sitting behind me on the couch, much like the picture I posted a few days ago--kind of depressed but currently, somewhat excitedly awaiting a musical performance on the Today Show. He's feeling what he's felt for a few weeks and that is essentially depressed but that is about life in general. His delusions cause him little grief, at least for the time being.

So for right now, I write about how I feel, the grief over the loss of another piece of my son. It's a new day though and I must trudge forward into it. I'm finishing my coffee, taking Thomas to work and then I'm going to attempt to find some meaning in these new developments.

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