Tuesday, July 09, 2013

Authenticity

Hi guys. Maybe some of you noticed that I wasn't around yesterday and I didn't really have plans to be around today because I don't have a whole lot to contribute. My goal with this page was to help people better understand what it's like to have a loved one with schizophrenia, what it feels like and what I think about. I also wanted to give useful information about the illness that I track down from time to time. The thing is, it doesn't always work out like that for me lately. I have good days as you guys are witness to but I also have bad days like yesterday and today and other days in the recent past.

You see, I'm still fighting off a nasty depression that seems to want to cling to me in spite of the days I'm able to fight through it and almost convince myself it's not there. Yesterday and this morning I'm not so successful at "faking it till I make it." I'm tired. I'm tired all day, I fight to get out of bed in the morning and I can't wait to go to bed at night. For 3 days I have had an almost constant headache and I fight like crazy to see the good things in life, not always with successful results.

I have to wonder about why this is happening. First of all I can say with certainty that I have almost what could be considered a seasonal depression. It's been this way every summer for years. I don't do the winter blues like everyone else, I apparently like to take the sunniest, warmest, greenest, most beautiful season and instead hole up in my house and sleep and cry occasionally and have no interest in anything.

I also wonder, though, if my depression is because I am finally able to actually FEEL the last year of immense stress I have been through. I became so adept at being faced with a situation and in almost every moment told myself to get very still, show little emotion, react with calm and just generally shut down. You guys don't know me, how I was in my life before, but I was a highly, constantly, reactive person, worse than anything you have been witness to here. Somehow, though, in the last year I have managed to temper that with an eerie calm that had garnered much admiration from people who know me and knew how I used to be. I have been told countless times how strong I am but almost in the same breath I have been told: "you're going to lose it here pretty soon." I proudly, in my eerie calm zen-ness, would assure everyone I was fine and I'd continue forward.

So, maybe, this depression, this choking black sadness and constant headache and tears at news stories and a general lack of interest in life is me now "losing it". I don't know. But I am going to be authentic here with you guys and say that I think since things have slowed down in my life, not just with Thomas but with my extended family also, I think I am now allowing myself to feel the weight of the last year.

I don't know.....

I hope you guys will stick with me though, even if I don't write every day for a while. Just know this. Thomas is doing fantastic, I couldn't ask for better and every single day, several times a day I am thankful for his good mental health and that beautiful smile and active involvement in the family.

OK guys, have a good day. I will try to do the same though my plan is to do very little. Somehow not moving an inch or engaging in the world sounds like heaven to me.

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