Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Medication Roulette

Today begins the 2 days of visits to doctors to assess the situation with Thomas. I didn't come away from my phone calls with them with a sense of...I don't know...I just didn't like what was said. Today's visit is with the man who manages Thomas' meds.
Since he's exhibiting symptoms again, everyone has asked, "is he taking his medication?"

and when I said, "yes,"

they came back with, "are you SURE?"

I stand with him every time he takes them and unless he's a pro at hiding them then he is most definitely taking them. What that leaves us with is the fact that they're no longer doing their job.

I think it will be a tough sell to Thomas to get him to increase his dosage he is currently on since he's already sedated. He's not going to want that to get worse. His meds doc also threw out (and it may as well have been a brick straight at my head) that he might try clozapine.

Clozapine, considered "the big guns" in schizophrenia treatment is a scary option and these big guns come with a high price to be paid in side effects. Here is a list from Drugs.com:
-----------------

SERIOUS AND SOMETIMES FATAL INFECTIONS MAY OCCUR DURING TREATMENT WITH CLOZAPINE.

Call your doctor right away if you have signs of infection such as:
sudden weakness or ill feeling;
fever, chills, sore throat; or
mouth sores, red or swollen gums, and trouble swallowing.

Stop using clozapine and call your doctor at once if you have:
-skin rash, easy bruising or bleeding, severe tingling, numbness, pain, muscle weakness;
-headache with chest pain and severe dizziness, fainting, fast or
-pounding heartbeats;
-sudden cough, wheezing, rapid breathing, coughing up blood;
-seizure (black-out or convulsions);
-a light-headed feeling, like you might pass out;
-feeling short of breath (even while lying down or with mild exertion), swelling in your hands or feet;
-very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors;
-tight feeling in your neck or jaw, twitching or uncontrollable
-movements of your eyes, lips, tongue, face, arms, or legs;
-little or no urinating;
-high blood sugar (increased thirst, increased urination, hunger, fruity breath odor, dry skin, weight loss);
-nausea, upper stomach pain, itching, loss of appetite, dark urine,
clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes);
-or slow heart rate, weak pulse, slow breathing (breathing may stop).

Common side effects may include:
weight gain;
constipation;
dry mouth,
blurred vision;
drooling, especially at night; or
drowsiness, dizziness, spinning sensation.
----------------
It is that risk of fatal infections that is the hallmark of this drug and it requires that the consumer get blood tests once a month to make sure that the body is producing enough white blood cells among other things.

Needless to say, I am not the least bit happy about the potential use of this drug because of those side effects. I'm not going to lie, I want Thomas treated and mentally healthy but at what price??? When he first started his medication he is on now, the sedation (to watch) was heartbreaking and for him to live it, it was miserable and downright unfair. I am not anti-medication but at the same time I'll be the first to say that the treatments for this illness border on barbaric on a bad day and are seriously annoying on a good one.

So this afternoon we'll see the meds doc and decide which course to take. In a perfect world and if I had it my way, I'd increase the medication he is already on and help him ride out the sedation in the hopes that he returns to the level of health when he was at his best a couple weeks ago and I would add in an anti-depressant which Thomas is requesting.

I am not a doctor though, this is not my body and mind and I don't have to live with the effects. I am merely a bystander in this most cruel game of medication roulette.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Behind Sunglasses

I woke this morning depressed and went out on a walk through neighborhoods around me and I wore sunglasses and behind those sunglasses I cried and cried. There is a great sense of defeat this morning. Between how I'm feeling and then the disappointment I heard from both of Thomas' doctors as I explained to them the new delusions that Thomas is wrapped up in now, I am left, we all are left, with a sadness, one which I personally don't feel I'll ever shake. We all felt things were going well enough and discovering that Thomas is again wrapped up in another world is hugely disappointing and painful for us all.

As Thomas' mom, I am telling MY story for the moment. I'll explain more where Thomas is in a later post. I want you all to understand that right now he doesn't feel the grief and defeat that the rest of us feel so in that respect there is a small blessing in this.

In my experience there are two facets to the positive symptoms of Thomas' schizophrenia. There are the hallucinations which are scary. They are just flat out scary for him, less so for me except for the fact that I worry about how he's going to get through them. The delusions on the other hand are scary for me. If you don't fully understand them I will explain them in the context of Thomas' manifestation of schizophrenia.

Delusions to him are the facts of his life, AS HE SEES IT and they are filtered through the lens of schizophrenia. His world view is vastly different than mine (for example) and while I sit here writing this and I'm sad and swallowing my coffee over the huge lump in my throat, he is sitting behind me on the couch, much like the picture I posted a few days ago--kind of depressed but currently, somewhat excitedly awaiting a musical performance on the Today Show. He's feeling what he's felt for a few weeks and that is essentially depressed but that is about life in general. His delusions cause him little grief, at least for the time being.

So for right now, I write about how I feel, the grief over the loss of another piece of my son. It's a new day though and I must trudge forward into it. I'm finishing my coffee, taking Thomas to work and then I'm going to attempt to find some meaning in these new developments.


Saturday, July 27, 2013

Crippling Isolation

Guess where I am again? I am currently sitting in my car in my driveway, music blasting, having just dropped Thomas off at a friend's house and I'm full of information from inside his head that now that I've heard it I am sitting here stock still trying to catch my breath. I sit here in my car in a dream state looking around at my neighbor's houses and realizing how they have no clue about what Thomas deals with, what I deal with. It's a very lonely place knowing unimaginable things that have just come out of my son's mouth and not feeling like I can talk to anyone about it. This illness really has a knack for taking an otherwise solidly standing on both feet person and knocking them to the ground along with clenching their heart and stealing their breath.

I hate this illness. Hate. It.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Honoring and Naming Emotions

I know I've mentioned this before a little bit but I think I'm going to throw more about this into my writing because I think it's important.

In therapy I have been working with identifying the feeling behind the event. Here is an example:

Let's say Thomas comes to me and tells me that he's seeing something that isn't there. Naturally, that causes an emotional reaction in me and often times I deploy my iron clad door that I slam shut on my emotions so that I can stay on my feet emotionally and intellectually to help him deal with what he's dealing with. While I personally feel like that's a skill to be proud of when it comes to helping him deal with this illness, I can speak from excellent experience that what you slam behind that door doesn't go anywhere. Nope! It's builds up inside in the furthest regions of your mind and body and waits for you to give it life again and process it, whether it's dealing with the emotion or healing the physical affects of stress which, by the way, I also have a great deal of, some of which include high cholesterol (a manifestation of stress my doc tells me) and high blood pressure.

In therapy I am being taught to take just a moment in time and identify the original emotions in the situation. Just name them. Things have slowed down in my life just enough that I am able to do that instead of automatically and swiftly slamming the proverbial iron door. I'll be honest with you though, aside from one colossal momentary marital explosion which elicited plenty of anger, my overwhelming instant feeling to the things in my life are sadness and really, sadness doesn't quite describe it. It is grief. Full on crippling, heart-wrenching grief. Grief that inside of it holds all that has happened to Thomas in the last year and a half and continues to trickle in day to day, grief about my father's massive stroke, grief about what my mom lost inside of her when she lost the husband that she knew before his stroke, grief about so many many tragic things that have happened.

So, yeah, now what, right? I suppose that is what therapy is for but naming it, instead of layering in other feelings over the grief like anger, which incidentally that's normally what people throw in after the initial grief reaction because anger is more manageable, anger gives you the feeling of some sort of power over your situation whereas grief you must feel and face and frankly, for me, feeling that is like inviting an elephant to sit on my chest and make himself at home which I'm quick to stop. Anger, though, is infinitely more destructive as it bleeds into you, permeating your self and subsequently overflowing onto your loved ones. It's not good for anyone involved.

So, I am writing this because I think it's time to honor the after effects of tragedy in my life, most especially Thomas' diagnosis. I'm going to take you with me because it is my hope that you will find something useful in my journey, many of you say you have up to this point.

Grief is what I've named it and now I work to honor it, give it life, and eventually release it into the ether where it belongs.

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Flip Side

As always, this is an ever-changing disease and one you cannot get complacent about. For the past week I have seen things in Thomas that don't really worry me too terribly but I've been keeping an eye on them. Since just before his last hospitalization he has complained a lot of being "bored". I haven't liked this mood state because while he labels it "bored", he comes off as very agitated and there is little, if anything, I can do to help him feel better. Suggestions of the usual activities to stave of boredom are shot down almost as fast as they come out of my mouth and I usually have to come up with something off the wall to pique his interest and even then he participates in a muted, dejected manner.

It always happens this way though (and you think I'd be used to this right now), I am usually sitting and relaxing and he comes to me and says something very casually and as if it really doesn't matter but what comes out of his mouth demands attention. So, last night he came into the living room and laid down in the center of the room and stared at the ceiling and half-heartedly petted the cat. I asked him what was up and he said,

"Something has changed for me lately. Nothing I used to like to do is any fun for me anymore. Nothing makes me happy."

I have seen evidence of this for a while now between the being "bored" and the times where I would find him in his room staring at the wall doing nothing. His mood is palpable but untouchable. After last night, I spent this morning looking up, AGAIN, the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. Could this be what's happening to him? The thing is, sometimes he's fine but then most times he's avoiding social interactions (he hasn't seen any of his friends in a couple of weeks and he says he doesn't talk to anyone at work except for Doc and the woman who does evaluations), he's bored, he's laying somewhere staring at something or doing very little that is stimulating and he's in his room more often than ever.

I told him that I would do some further reading today on the negative symptoms of schizophrenia and see if that might be what's happening. He says he doesn't feel depressed so I'm not jumping on that like I normally would. I told him that when he saw his meds doc next week that we would talk to him about this. Here is what saddens me though. If he's not depressed and therefore we could try an anti-depressant, then this is the negative symptoms of schizophrenia manifesting and in everything I have read, there is little to nothing that helps that.

How can this be? I know how it can be, this is the illness, but how unfair is this? He manages to rid himself of most hallucinations and delusions and now he's sentenced to a life without joy?

It is less than a week until we see our next professional so I'll do some reading and keep an eye on him again and see how the weekend goes. Last weekend was one big giant, heavy, agitated, boredom fest. I'm hoping for better this weekend.

This is the flip side of schizophrenia as far as I'm concerned. Either we're fighting demons in some form or another or we're here now in this place, a big empty void.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

A Little Victory

There are so many great things that have been happening lately that I want to share with you guys but I've had a busy week so I haven't gotten a chance but I had to tell you this one.

Thomas, for forever, has tucked his curtains into his recessed windowsill in an effort to keep "them" from looking into his room at night. I went in just now to open his curtains and let some light in and they weren't tucked in at all. Not even a little bit. Not one single curtain in his room was anything other than perfectly normal!!! How cool is that?!?

I've got to run now but I had to share that little victory with you guys.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Influence

My thoughts today came out of that movie that I recommended called "Strange Voices". In the movie the mom was asking the director of the hospital where she was going to send her daughter if her being around other people with schizophrenia would make her worse. I was surprised that she asked that because I thought I was kind of alone in my concern with that. I'm a member of a closed support group that consists of people with schizophrenia and their family members and at one point in time one community member was posting his fears that were the same as Thomas' and I thought to myself that that group would not be such a great place for Thomas since he shares those same fears and I know how easily he could become influenced and subsequently terrified and back fighting off his hallucinations and delusions. So, for now, I'm not recommending the group to him. However, I talked with a couple people in the group who also have schizophrenia and they have offered up support for Thomas and have since become wonderful support and one has become a much appreciated by me, mentor for Thomas.

I am new to this illness and I'll admit that there are parts of me that think from the dark ages about it and I'm not proud of that and am working to change that and the idea that one person with the illness could make another worse is one of those ways of thinking. Thankfully though, the people that have stepped up have priceless offerings that I couldn't give Thomas myself by virtue of the fact that I don't have this illness and don't really know what it's like other than what I see in Thomas myself.

Just like in the movie where the director of the hospital said people with schizophrenia actually help each other and are better for it, that has now been my personal experience. I am stepping out of the dark ages and embracing that Thomas now has a support network of people that share with him what I will never be able to give him.

Grateful

Ok, I know I'm getting sickening with this but I can't help it right now. The thing is, I thought when Thomas went into his first hospitalization that his life was over. I got terrible news over and over about how, on his current trajectory at the time, that he was going to end up in prison by the time he was 23 or that he was never going to get well. I watched as my dreams for my son were slowly and gruesomely murdered by various "experts" in their field. I didn't think I'd see Thomas graduate high school let alone ever see some semblance of sanity in him. Now, day after day, he comes home from a good solid day's work, tired and dirty but happy and healthy and I can't help but be immeasurably grateful for every single second of my time with him from the moment he gets in the car after work excitedly talking about what woodwork he did that day all the way until he goes into his room when we get home.

So, again, tonight I am grateful for the signs of health and happiness in my son.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

My Thoughts On Blunted Affect (Emotion)

I found this quote and I thought about Thomas and the times that he had been labeled with "blunted affect" (showing little to no emotion). This describes perfectly what I feel to be true about blunted affect:
----------

"The blunted affect or emotional vacancy that's become a stereotype of schizophrenia is not blunted all the time and in many cases is not blunted most of the time," said Deborah Levy. Schizophrenia experts Larry Davidson and David Stayner write, " While perhaps appearing as wooden and vacant to others, and perhaps even feeling at an extreme emotional distance even from themselves, people with schizophrenia continue to describe a fervent wish for love and relationships that contrasts starkly with the empty shell image." Parents would do well to know that to most schizophrenics, a penumbra of affection is reassuring, even if it does not seem to penetrate their isolation.
-----------

Which brings me back to Thomas. Often when he was at his worst or even a little bit now too, he seems to be closed off and as he approaches for a hug or reassurance, he seems very stiff and dark. Even in those times he will ask for a hug (or several over a short period of time) and while he does hug me back I feel an emptiness in him. In different moments though I will ask him if in those dark moments my hugs are helping, he emphatically says they do.

When he was in the hospital this last time and he was in crisis he was obviously in another world but I knew with every fiber of my being that my touch, my tight grip on his hand, my arm around his shoulder holding him, was keeping him somewhat grounded. There is not a soul on earth that will ever convince me that just because it says in his treatment notes that he has blunted affect, that he isn't benefitting from my love and affection.

I hope that those of you that care for someone with schizophrenia and don't yet realize this, will now no longer turn away from offering your affection and stable influence to your loved one or friend.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Realizing For Himself

(First, some quick info)

 The Capgras delusion (or Capgras syndrome) (pronounced: kah-grah ) is a disorder in which a person holds a delusion that a friend, spouse, parent, or other close family member has been replaced by an identical-looking impostor. The Capgras delusion is classified as a delusional misidentification syndrome, a class of delusional beliefs that involves the misidentification of people, places, or objects (usually not in conjunction). It can occur in acute, transient, or chronic forms. Cases in which patients hold the belief that time has been "warped" or "substituted" have also been reported

The delusion most commonly occurs in patients diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, but has also been seen in patients suffering from brain injury and dementia. It presents often in individuals with a neurodegenerative disease, particularly at an older age. It has also been reported as occurring in association with diabetes, hypothyroidism and migraine attacks.
(From Wikipedia)
------------------------
I wanted to give you the definition of the syndrome before telling you this quick story:

Thomas and I watched a show about schizophrenia ("Perception"--which I told you about in an earlier posting) a couple days ago and one of the characters had this particular syndrome. In her case, it was because of a brain bleed. At the culmination of the show the character murdered her husband thinking he was actually an alien.

The reason I tell you this is in part because I wanted to give you some information on a facet of schizophrenia, a particularly scary and very real symptom, but I also wanted to share that after witnessing the entire show and getting an understanding that this was a possibility for him with his illness, Thomas turned to me and emphatically told me, "I'm never going off of my medication because I don't want that to happen to me." He was appropriately horrified and identified that, for him, to keep from exhibiting that specific symptom and others depicted in the show, that he needed to stay on his medication.

This made me feel so much better because a part of me is always waiting for the kid who when he was first put on medication and a couple times since then, has angrily told me he didn't want to be medicated anymore. He is 18 and it will always be his choice what to do with meds but I have to say that I am thankful that he is able to see, in action on this show, the manifestation of schizophrenia and in turn make personal decisions about his health.

There's always a part of me that will wake up each day and wonder which course the illness will take today, even in it's healthiest, medicated, positive mood form. His refusal of meds in the past looms in the near reaches of my mind and I pray each day that he will feel good on them and continue to take them and remain on this beautiful course that his life is following right now.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

He's Working.

Nothing on this earth makes me happier than seeing Thomas covered in sawdust and dirt and smiling after a long, hard day of work.

WORK.

He's working...on his own...at a real job...without me hovering...and he gets in the car after work sounding like an excited kid that has a secret he can't wait to tell and then what spills forth is a rapidly, excitedly spoken story about how he built a picni
c table and started work on a new bench. He smiles and his eyes sparkle. Then, as the car grew silent, he piped up and said, "I love you mom."

I may wake up depressed, I may go through my day feeling like I'm walking in mud, but picking Thomas up and having him look and sound healthy takes all of it away for a while.

I. Am. Grateful.

Authenticity

Hi guys. Maybe some of you noticed that I wasn't around yesterday and I didn't really have plans to be around today because I don't have a whole lot to contribute. My goal with this page was to help people better understand what it's like to have a loved one with schizophrenia, what it feels like and what I think about. I also wanted to give useful information about the illness that I track down from time to time. The thing is, it doesn't always work out like that for me lately. I have good days as you guys are witness to but I also have bad days like yesterday and today and other days in the recent past.

You see, I'm still fighting off a nasty depression that seems to want to cling to me in spite of the days I'm able to fight through it and almost convince myself it's not there. Yesterday and this morning I'm not so successful at "faking it till I make it." I'm tired. I'm tired all day, I fight to get out of bed in the morning and I can't wait to go to bed at night. For 3 days I have had an almost constant headache and I fight like crazy to see the good things in life, not always with successful results.

I have to wonder about why this is happening. First of all I can say with certainty that I have almost what could be considered a seasonal depression. It's been this way every summer for years. I don't do the winter blues like everyone else, I apparently like to take the sunniest, warmest, greenest, most beautiful season and instead hole up in my house and sleep and cry occasionally and have no interest in anything.

I also wonder, though, if my depression is because I am finally able to actually FEEL the last year of immense stress I have been through. I became so adept at being faced with a situation and in almost every moment told myself to get very still, show little emotion, react with calm and just generally shut down. You guys don't know me, how I was in my life before, but I was a highly, constantly, reactive person, worse than anything you have been witness to here. Somehow, though, in the last year I have managed to temper that with an eerie calm that had garnered much admiration from people who know me and knew how I used to be. I have been told countless times how strong I am but almost in the same breath I have been told: "you're going to lose it here pretty soon." I proudly, in my eerie calm zen-ness, would assure everyone I was fine and I'd continue forward.

So, maybe, this depression, this choking black sadness and constant headache and tears at news stories and a general lack of interest in life is me now "losing it". I don't know. But I am going to be authentic here with you guys and say that I think since things have slowed down in my life, not just with Thomas but with my extended family also, I think I am now allowing myself to feel the weight of the last year.

I don't know.....

I hope you guys will stick with me though, even if I don't write every day for a while. Just know this. Thomas is doing fantastic, I couldn't ask for better and every single day, several times a day I am thankful for his good mental health and that beautiful smile and active involvement in the family.

OK guys, have a good day. I will try to do the same though my plan is to do very little. Somehow not moving an inch or engaging in the world sounds like heaven to me.

Thursday, July 04, 2013

Free Association (a.k.a. rambling, deep thoughts)

Bird Migrations

I'm watching a show called "North America" and they're talking about bird migrations. They said that there are unseen highways above our head, routes that are taken by birds every day just like we drive our interstates. It makes me think, what don't we see that is happening out of our awareness?

I have to believe that there is a reason for this illness, that there is something just beyond our reach that is bringing us towards (dare I dream?) a cure someday. THERE MUST BE A REASON FOR IT ALL. And our brave warriors, those of you with this illness, are a part of all of us coming to recognize reason and meaning in the suffering that you and those of us who love you go through.

All I can do, as Thomas's mom, and your friend, is put some faith in those invisible forces all around us that are moving in time with reason and meaning, bringing us closer to a better understanding, a better day, a better future.

I have hope right now.

Wednesday, July 03, 2013

What I Would Like For Today

What I would like for today is to not have the now automatic ability to see signs of schizophrenia in Thomas. Above all else he is my kid, just my kid that he's always been and I've always loved and treated normally even when he wasn't so "normal" but I would like to be able to not always see that when he does or says something very schizophrenic that it's schizophrenia manifesting.

Maybe I'm not making sense here.

Why can't the very delusional comment that came out of his mouth last night just be what I used to attribute to weirdness and not this stupid illness? I miss my "weird" kid. I want him back, not this seriously ill kid.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

"Glass Half Full"

Ok. This is not going to come off as something to be grateful for but I am very "glass half full" right now so I'm finding gratitude in this.

Today was my 4th visit with my new-ish therapist. I will maintain that he is a sweetheart but he informed me today that he "can't help me." Given my life in the last year + and how I've chosen to cope with all of it he felt that the way I'm choosing to cop
e isn't the best thing for me psychologically and because of that he can't be involved in something that isn't helpful for my psychological health. Let me make something clear here. I am not coping by taking drugs or something, how I choose to cope is by sleeping a lot or among other things, blasting my music on my house surround sound every few days loud enough to bug the neighbors (at 5pm in the evening) and sometimes it annoys my family.

So, (as I sit here shaking my head in disbelief) he can't help me.

He hasn't taken my lead when I have said I need someone to talk about what's bothering me (son has schizophrenia, dad had major stroke and brain surgery to name a couple), he has instead given me charts to fill out to regulate how I sleep, listen to music etc. but come to think of it has not ONCE EVER ASKED ME HOW I'M FEELING.

OK. I'll say no more. You get the idea. But tonight I am grateful that I found out that I can't be helped before I bonded to the guy too much and then found out 6 months down the road that he was done trying. There's nothing worse than really caring about someone and then being rejected by them.

Glass half full. This is good.

................alright...someone tell me that there is a therapist out there that can help me though.

I admit it.

I need a little help right about now.

Monday, July 01, 2013

Grateful

Tonight I am grateful for the vocational rehab program that has given Thomas some purpose and the ability to say that he has a job (this while friends of his still struggle to find employment). He came away from work today happy, soaked in water (it's 109 degrees here and he was hot while working and had poured water over himself) and excitedly talking about the bench he and "Doc" had stained today. I know the water thing means nothing to you guys but to me what I saw was a young man who acknowledged he was hot and in public, poured water over himself to cool off. He always talks about how he's "not in touch with his emotions" and that's usually pretty apparent but the sight of my boy walking to the car from work with a soaked t-shirt was a big brightly lit sign saying he acknowledged his feelings and accurately acted on them. So tonight I'm grateful for the vocational rehab and for my water-soaked, smiling son.

The Beckoning Treadmill

I went downstairs to start a load of laundry and I thought I'd peek in on the treadmill that I have heard calling me for weeks. You see, I'm gaining weight thanks to the inordinate amount of stress in my life, and yes, I'll admit to it, to the 5 cheese flavored Cheetoes at 3 pm and Drumstick ice cream cones I have every night to drown out the day (among other things I'm only going to admit to in an anonymous program for people who eat, drink and sit away the stress from their loved one having schizophrenia).

But I digress.

I stepped on the treadmill in my slippers and nice clothes and pushed start and began walking. You know? It felt good. It felt good, like:

"oh yeah! This is what a body is supposed to do! Move! Not sit and eat and be depressed!"

So I increased the incline and the speed and started moving right along and sweat started forming on my forehead. I looked at the control panel--disappointingly only 5 minutes had passed--but in that time I rediscovered that the tread mill has 3 pre-programmed personal trainer certified workouts one 20, one 30 and one 40 minutes long. I thought to myself:

"What's 20 minutes a day of a pretty decent workout? What's even 30 minutes? It's nothing. I can spare 20 or 30 minutes in my day when I would otherwise be laying in bed half awake hating the morning sun or sitting or watching TV."

In that moment I decided to make a commitment to myself. Do the 20 minute workout every day. Just 20 minutes (and maybe 30 ).

So starting tomorrow, off come the slippers, on go the workout shoes I found buried in the closet and at least 20 minutes of my day is now going to be committed to getting healthier. I've got 50+lbs to lose. Really, if I think about it, I'm slowly killing myself because of the way I am taking care of myself right now, or NOT taking care of myself as the case may be.

Now, to find the strength to dump the Cheetoes and ice cream in the trash.......

Good Monday Morning Everyone!

I'm just writing a quick post today to say that Thomas is doing well (he had a couple of peaceful nights). He went off to work today in a good mood. I asked him how his lunch hour goes because I don't know what he would do with an entire hour with no cell and no computer and lo and behold he eats his lunch and then reads a newspaper!!!!! He reads the paper!!!! LOL this is such a good thing because he's reading the local news and is learning about the area. He told me "Doc" brings the paper and shares it with him. I'm really starting to like this "Doc" person.

My plan for today is to be an actual person and get some housework done and maybe some reading. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on a slippery incline that I run like crazy to get up and then I make it halfway or more and before I can grab the rope I slide back down again. So I'm standing back and considering this obstacle and seeing how I can better navigate it (a.k.a. LIFE). Hopefully today I make some progress in this department.

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