Wednesday, June 05, 2013

The Life Raft

I've been on a bit of an internal downward spiral for a couple of days and my heart hasn't been here as much as I'd like it to be. It's funny because (and I should KNOW THIS BY NOW) that for every positive there is a negative...yin and yang.

On Monday I made the call to the vocational rehab guy but what I didn't tell you was that literally within minutes of hanging up with him, my son's meds doc called. I was full of enthusiasm and light explaining all of the positive changes I had seen in Thomas and when he started asking me questions I felt like he was sucking the air from the room. He asked about my son's symptoms and worried that they weren't totally gone yet. He gave me instructions to make sure my son got out of the house, to a store, to friends houses, out on walks, etc. And then the real kicker came. I asked him what his professional opinion was on whether Thomas should get a job or not (bear in mind I already knew the answer down deep inside) and he told me,

"Melanie...............(long pause) he needs to wait at least a month. He hasn't been well that long and he's really not well right now yet. We're not through with adjusting meds and you have to remember that he'll have good days and bad days."

Talk about ruining my great mood. Wow!!

But he was right.

He IS right.

And here is why he is.

Because after a few good days, my son came to me last night, shaking and wide-eyed and told me he was scared, that he was having paranoid thoughts again. He refused to take a shower and asked me for one of his new pills to help with his fear and he hugged me tightly and walked slowly back to his room (where he has been isolating himself to lately but I've been trying to ignore that fact because all I want to see are the good things).

Yes, he's smiling more now (I can't get a bad picture of him...I can't believe he's even letting me TAKE pictures of him!) and up until yesterday he seemed to have a calmness about him that was palpable but there have also been signs that I've been ignoring that show that things aren't right yet either.

OK, so he can't work yet, I knew deep down that he shouldn't be anyways because he's only very newly feeling better, AND the demons aren't gone, not by a long shot. My ignoring the obvious signs that the illness is still there in order to focus on all the positive stuff I see, doesn't serve me or him well at all.

I come back now to my analogy of a stormy sea. There is the life raft made up of all of the smiles, the laughter, his calm demeanor, the participation in life, his need to pull at the reins and get going on life and then there is that stormy sea around it all. Sure, we're safe in here for now, and oh my gosh how good it feels to be out of the elements a little bit for now, but the storm is still raging out there and as always, not knowing how long the life raft will hold up is the big question.

For me right now, the sinking feeling is inside of me again. I'm finding it harder to hold onto the sides of the raft to keep from capsizing and I look to the heavens, the dark storm clouds that threaten to drop torrents of rain again, and I am begging for just a little more time, a few more days inside this beautiful raft.

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