Thursday, June 06, 2013

On Second Thought


And there you go. I make frantic calls and write emails to doctors and when I met with one of them today after he had visited with Thomas I am told, in a nutshell, that there is nothing to worry about and on top of that, there will be no increase in medications. So.............

...........OK then.


Then is what I'm seeing and what I'm feeling worth listening to? This is the inner battle that rages inside of me when it comes to this illness and my son. Am I too in tune with nuance and blowing things out of proportion? Am I turning into THAT MOM who over worries, over protects, and is over involved? Should I be backing off and quit looking for signs of the illness and just let Thomas be? Am I just the WORLD'S BIGGEST IDIOT?

There I was in the first doctor's office listening as he took all of my concerns and one by one told me that aren't concerns at all. This is good news. Yes. I don't want what I've been witnessing to be illness related but why then can't I shake that kind of hair-standing-on-end, disturbance-in-the-force feeling that I have? What about his nights of terror that keep increasing? What about the new dependence on the anti-anxiety med? What about the dark moods of his that creep in fast like a wave rushing up the beach to soak me and that retreat only to replaced by white sand wiped clean as if there had never been footprints in the sand? WHEN WILL I STOP ASKING ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS?????

Frankly at the moment, I am baffled. I looked for cues from the doctor that maybe he was saying one thing but was trying to tell me something else with his eyes. I looked for concern, for eyes widened in emphasis, anything.

Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

So now I'm rethinking my panicked email to Thomas's therapist. Have I just set myself up to look like THAT MOM yet again? Is he going to rifle through all of my concerns and discount every one and leave me reeling in uncertainty yet again?

I FEEL LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!!!!!!

This is my frustration, this is what this illness does to me. It fills me with doubt...as a mom, as a person. I think one thing and see one thing and then something else happens and it all disappears into swirling questions and self doubt.

I worry, I investigate, I document, I form my questions, I find some answers and then......

.......on second thought, I guess I was wrong.

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