Saturday, June 08, 2013

A New Player In The Game

I understand that I lament a lot about this illness. Some days it is so hard to get through just a few minutes of a day full of this illness but I have to give myself credit for something. There is much about this illness that I totally take in stride too. Maybe it's because I've lived with the little things that led up to the big thing (The first psychotic break last year) for so many years. It's amazing what you'll get used to and even learn to ignore when something becomes so mundane. What's been so hard lately is that the intensity of the symptoms have been too much for him to bear and consequently too much for me to bear. Seeing your child (or loved one) struggle with this illness will take a chunk out of you and leave you hemorrhaging on the living room floor sometimes.

Now I am in the mundane territory again. Let me preface what I'm going to say with an acknowledgment that I know these sorts of things are harbingers of a much bigger concern however seeing them jump in the game doesn't cause my heart rate to jump sky high right off the bat. It's more that I say to myself, "OK Melanie, here's another one, let's see what you can do for/about this."

What I'm talking about is that Thomas is quietly working on a new fear/delusion. As usual it started with a question about his dusty shelves in his room then went to him showing me a picture on his computer to now, a damn near obsession with this new thing. I called him out on it the minute the realization hit me what was going on and true to form, he sheepishly admitted that this new thing scared him. Then the excuses started rolling out of his mouth and I listened patiently to him but filed this away for the future. Here we are again where a simple anxiety becomes a giant monster in the room, or in this case, in his head.

I've been able to catch and eradicate these nasty little buggers before, these delusions that threaten to take over my son's sanity and I fully intend to get to work on this one now. It's a nearly impossible task to catch every anxiety before it morphs into a delusion but I consider it my duty now as his mom to do this for him. C'mon now, I don't have to change diapers or clean up after him much, and he's not always in my face saying, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy," until I want to scream. What's in my face now is a formidable opponent and one I am ready to do battle with if need be.

So, I'm drawing my sword once again and I'm headed into the fray. This I can do, this I have confidence to stand against, this I have strength to endure, and this I plan on winning against. His mind needs a break and while he prepares to rest for a bit I'm going to make sure that rest is as long as it can be. No monster is moving into my house. I have enough of them.

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