Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Closed Window

I woke this morning to find the bathroom window closed. I know I left it open because I was the last one to shower last night and the nights have been cool so I thought it would be nice to keep it open all night to let some of that cool air in to freshen up the room.

I'd left it open but now it's closed.


My son goes to bed well after we do on Saturday nights so I know that it is him that closed it. I know this sounds like no big deal, I know no one really cares about whether a bathroom window is opened or closed. But to me, it's a sign. It's a sign that what's been after my son lately is still after him. What's been after him is still looking in the windows and he needs to close the windows (or curtains) to keep it from looking in. All of those "robust" (the word the doctor used) dosages of medications aren't doing anything but knocking my son out. The other day I took him to his weekly therapy and he sat there and slept through most of it as his therapist and I talked. What was so striking about that session was the short conversation that ensued:

Therapist: "I have a question for you. I know the answer to it because you probably don't even care anymore, you're too tired to worry about this, but do you still feel like you're being followed and watched?"

My son (not lifting his head or opening his eyes): "Yes"

Let me just say this. If I was as sedated as he was, I would not give a crap less about anything...not my household responsibilities, not whether or not my husband had a good day, not whether or not my son was getting a well-rounded meal, none of it. I FLAT OUT WOULD NOT CARE.

So it showed me, that in amongst the world of hard core sedating medications, what lies in the very center of his being (the fact that he feels he's being followed, for one) is still there chipping away at who he is.

It's been a week since he started this medication, they say it works immediately most times but can take up to a week or more. I've been aiming for the medication to work sooner than later and my aim is off...

The bathroom window is still closed.

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