Thursday, May 23, 2013

Fighting The World

Forgive me if my writing isn't the greatest right now, my creativity has kind of gone on hiatus for a little while. I wanted to check in though and let you know what's going on.

I spent my entire day yesterday fighting the world, the insurance company (3 separate representatives), the hospital where my son is now and the hospital where I wanted him to go. I will share with you all at a later date the fight that I went through but I have no fight left in me to try to articulate the hell that was on me yesterday.

My hell, though, is nothing compared to my son's. I will say he got to see an actual, real, live psychiatrist and my son likes him so I like that. I haven't met him yet but the hospital is cooperating in getting me a family meeting with him and a social worker (who I know well and like) and then the treatment team. I feel good about that. My son's nurse overnight is an amazing guy...very patient with my "worried momness" and explained in a kind, respectful, intelligent, educated way what is going on with my son. I couldn't ask for a better guy to be with my son in the nights where he's struggling his most.

As for my son, I am told that his delusions and hallucinations are "pretty fixed" which means very tough to treat and get through to him about what's real and what's not. I spoke with my son's regular therapist yesterday and he told me that my son will be in a pretty bad place...maybe forever. His original tactic was to confront his delusions but he's not so sure that's the best idea anymore because of the nature of his delusions and how fixed they are. He seems to feel that teaching him to "live with the delusions" will be a better plan and that more aggressive medication will water down the severity of his hallucinations and delusions. That's best case scenario. I am also left very much with the impression that my son's prognosis is pretty bleak which was terrible news to hear (which I heard that last week with the whole "Brace yourself" conversation and now have heard from more professionals the same thing) and I'm still crying. I pretty much haven't stopped for 12 hours with the exception of while I attempted to sleep.

My son is quite drugged, totally terrified of his hallucinations that seem to be getting worse, and he's like a little child lost in a big bad world. Because of the altercation on the floor with another patient and her visitor, he is now afraid to go into the cafeteria but he has to be in there to eat his meals so my family have agreed we are going to be there at every mealtime that we're allowed and we're going to protect him while he eats so he at least gets some nutrition in him and feels safe while doing so.

I've gotta run now and shower and get ready for the day because the promise of this meeting with the doctor and the treatment team looms and I want to be ready the moment they call me and request my presence. Luckily I live just five minutes from the hospital so I can be there at a moment's notice.

I'll write more when I can. I want (and honestly, I need) you guys with me on this journey. It feels better not to do this alone plus I feel like I must share this with you all in the interest of keeping up the idea of this blog in the first place and that is to help people understand the experience of schizophrenia from a somewhat 360 degree view.

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