Thursday, May 09, 2013

"Did I really want to know that?!?!?"

I signed releases a few weeks ago so that my son's doctors and I could talk. It's crucial to have those releases and despite what I'm about to say, I think it needs to be done. But what do you do with the information once you have it?

I learned today that there is a place my son is in now inside his mind that I didn't know was there. I learned about it and h
ave since done what I could to remedy the situation though what I'm doing is merely putting my finger where the leak is in the dam. While I'm frantically holding back the inevitable onslaught of psychosis, I am now privy to some disturbing information about my son's thoughts and fears for his own life and the lives of his family and friends that I now cannot unhear and I am almost completely powerless to change.

So, a tiny part of me asks: "did I really want to know that?" Having knowledge of a piece of the labyrinth is enlightening (to say the least) but it's also frightening. If I can't go in there and lead him back to the top, then what?

In the end though, yes, I do want to know. I do. I'm scared of what I've learned so far but he's TERRIFIED because he LIVES it every day. He and I are in this together. I'm not going to leave him in there alone, I'll be waiting here when he comes out.

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