Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Denial

I have to admit that a portion of my time since my son has been diagnosed has been spent in denial. Really, even before he was diagnosed and I was seeing clues, I would go there. There is something ethereal about being faced with someone who isn't existing in reality. I can't tell you how many times I have shaken my head and asked myself:

"Did I just see/hear him do/say that?"

Sometimes what you see or hear is so subtle that it's easy to write off because it's something just left of center. Schizophrenia and psychosis can be a sneaky illness shaking the observer awake out of a slumber of denial only to be lulled back to sleep by the moments in between. But it slowly devours the sufferer. My experience has been that when I find myself jolted into reality from "denial land", then the psychosis has taken over my son and he's in a place where he needs help quickly.

It does not serve me well to deny this anymore and I have acknowledged the diagnosis but there is so much to the process of going from life before schizophrenia to life after the diagnosis. Acceptance and grieving are a process and recognizing the signs much earlier are imperative. These things will take time and sadly since this is a lifelong illness, both myself and my son have a long time to settle in.

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