Monday, May 27, 2013

Breaking A Fever

I have to admit that after my son's good day yesterday, I was worried that he was going to have a bad night last night. After all, the last time I saw him bright eyed and happy was the day before his hospitalization. So, I woke today to find him still in bed which makes me happy. He'll need his rest because this week is his last week of high school ever and he graduates on Saturday. That is stressful stuff (with finals and projects due) and I need to keep his stress level low to protect him from worsening symptoms.

But I got to thinking yesterday of an analogy and I wanted to share it with you. When the dust settled the day after he was hospitalized and I had a second to think, I wondered if somehow his really good (smiling with his eyes) day was kind of a precursor to the psychotic break. I wondered if somehow it happened because he had let his guard down that day and allowed himself to be happy, to feel joy, to just FEEL. He always seems so lost inside himself and has often voiced: "I am not in touch with my emotions". So, I wondered...had his freedom precipitated his prison of psychosis?

As the days of his hospitalization wore on and I watched his behavior morph from one thing to the next I couldn't help but feel I was watching some sort of transformation; I just didn't know who he was transforming into. Slowly, though, over the last few days, I have seen a healing in him. Every concerned look I have shot his way, every tentative step into a room he occupied, every question about his well being that I have (probably annoyingly to him) asked him has been met with a smile and a:

"Yep, I'm doing good mom!"

So then yesterday I thought of what this whole thing reminded me of. How many fevers had I been through with my boy? How many nights had I sat up with him when he was sick? How many mornings had I been met with a pink-cheeked, bright-eyed, bounding boy who was now up and at 'em and ready to climb the tree in the front yard or run his Tonka's around in the dirt?

Has a fever broken here? Had that stay in the hospital and the accompanying fight for sanity been a sort of "breaking of sanity". I don't mean the psychotic break which is what happened to him at 2am that terrified him. What I mean is did his mind just fill up so full of psychosis that it had to fire up and then reset?

I'll never know because I've never read it put this way but I have my observations, my vigilance, my moments of breath held waiting to see what he would do and to me, it seems as if a fever has broken and he is getting a second chance.

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