Friday, May 24, 2013

180 Degrees

It's funny because visiting hours are 12-1 and 6-8 and somehow the time in between is filled with so much of nothing except it's everything. Mostly crying.

Yesterday I showed up at lunch visiting hours and found my son in a 180 degree state from the day before. This means mostly that he was awake. Very awake. He was also very agitated and angry (and taking it out on me for no reason) and full of ideas for why things were the way they were.

He explained to me that the reason he was no longer sedated was because the milk in the hospital was different than the milk I use at home and therefore I needed to change the kind of milk I use at home so that he wouldn't be sedated anymore. I use 2%...just like the hospital. My parents and I tried to get down to the bottom of his reasoning and were unsuccessful only to finally narrow it down to the 2% thing but my son was unconvinced. For those of you unfamiliar with the illness, this is a delusion in the making. A delusion is a fixed false belief that cannot be changed even when the person with schizophrenia is presented with evidence to the contrary.

He also requested his writing book (he has several) and when I tried to clarify which one he was talking about, I was met with a verbal assault which ended in him demanding that I go buy him a new one "with lines". This is being written where you cannot catch the inference in the conversation. The whole thing dripped with disgust and agitation and annoyance (on his part) at me and me feeling like "what the heck is happening right now??"

The whole visit went this way with the ending being that he was going to go sign himself out right now. I told him he is 18 and can do what he want. He didn't sign himself out.

I waited all day for the call to come pick him up and it never came. I went at the 6pm visiting hours with my mom and I was braced for a repeat of the noon visit and instead found a pretty well sedated but still angry and moody young man. The visit lasted about 15 minutes and he wanted us to leave because "he was bored".

I don't have room here to describe my day's experience completely but what you should know is that this kid I met with yesterday is not my kid. Not even a little bit. He is the sweetest, kindest young man (as you've seen written in earlier posts of mine) but this young man is a stranger to me and I came home with the most unsettled feeling. It's funny, with this illness I am left unsettled most times because I'm dealing with someone who's not functioning in reality. What I was left with last night was a feeling of a prickly ball of little spikes bouncing around inside my head and my heart. I was hurt because he was so rude and angry towards me and I was angry at the illness for doing this to my kid and of course my old familiar friend, grief, was painting it's wide swaths of darkness and sadness throughout my being.

My son is not my son right now. I know his anger is not really at me and I know that right now I have little if any control over how he feels or the choices he makes. It's hard to walk away after visiting hours from someone so troubled. Especially my struggling, sad, angry, hallucinating, delusional young man whom I love with all of my heart and soul.

I will see what today brings.

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