Tuesday, April 30, 2013

History (Part II)

After that first psychotic break that day it took him about 3 days to recover enough to get back to functioning normally. While those days passed, there were nights where he wouldn't leave his room in the evening and he would put things (like his phone) that belonged out in the living room at night, just outside his bedroom in the hallway. He wanted no part of the world outside his bedroom door.

I went to his therapist a couple of times and told him about what happened and both times what I heard out of him was that what was happening was "prodromal bipolar illness." I got where he was coming from with that diagnosis because a large part of Thomas's family is diagnosed bipolar but I didn't see the swings in mood that accompany bipolar illness. What I did get hooked on was the word prodromal and every time I Googled it, the word prodromal usually came in conjunction with schizophrenia and both of those were now exactly fitting what I saw happening in my son. I couldn't get the therapist to confirm my worst fears and it was driving me crazy because I felt that if we would acknowledge the diagnosis we could get to work on helping Thomas.

Then one day I had a conversation with the therapist about the continuing psychotic behavior I was seeing and he started to agree that at some point Thomas would need help and then he said to me,

"If this happens again and you can't pull him out of it, then let me know."

IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND I CAN'T PULL HIM OUT OF IT??????????

What the heck does that mean? Does that mean that utterly terrifying thing my son experienced and that I worked to soothe him through may happen again and I won't be able to pull him out of it????


Then what???

WHERE DOES HE GO INSIDE HIS MIND IF I CAN'T PULL HIM OUT OF IT????? AND WILL I GET HIM BACK EVENTUALLY?????


 This sickened me and I felt like screaming constantly and I worried for Thomas and watched him every moment I could. I certainly didn't want to leave him alone to get lost in a place where he feels like he's going to be murdered and I won't be there to try to pull him back.

I wanted to die. Dead. I wanted this nightmare not to be happening and I didn't know how I was going to get him help or even how to get him help. Then within a month my father had a major stroke and my attention was shifted from Thomas to helping my dad back from everything he had lost. It was a horrible time with both my son and my dad disappearing inside themselves and I did what I could to manage the both of them but then on a pleasant October evening, after returning home from a vacation with my sister and my parents, I was greeted with yet another shock.





(My Facebook Page About Schizophrenia)

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